If you would have asked me what I would be doing at the young age of 20 about 4 years ago I would have told you that I hope to be in college and in love and hopefully be engaged. Well, four years has passed and I’m not in love and I’m not engaged. In high school, I never had guys asking me out so when I came to college I thought this would be the place that I would met the love of my life and my future husband. On the first week of school, someone said 1 in 4 people end up marrying their college sweetheart and I thought that I was going to be that one. But not everything goes according to plan.
Going into freshman year this was the first time in my life really that guys were paying attention to me, I felt like I had so many options to choose from and then you happened; and all those guys that I had been eyeing didn’t matter anymore. You popped up into my life and everything changed. When you came into my life I couldn’t even imagine what kind of impact good and bad that you would have on my life even two years later. I never thought that I would fall in love with you, that wasn’t my plan and I never thought that I would cry over you as much as I have. You were my first love, I thought that I was going to end up marrying you one day and some days I still think that I will; I think I fell in love with your smile first and then you as a person.
Loving you was the best and most painful thing that ever happened to me. Loving you made me finally realize why everyone wants someone to love them, loving you made me realize that being in love means being self-less, and loving you made me realize that love is patient and kind. But even though loving you made me realize all those amazing things it made me realize not some great things too. Loving you made me realize that no matter how much you love someone that in the end it doesn’t matter. Loving you made me realize that not everyone gets their happy ever after. Loving you has made me scared to love someone else. And loving you has made me feel worthless at times. And loving you made me feel how painful heartbreak actually is. I can’t count how many times I’ve cried over you wishing that you would just love me or just wishing that I was good enough for you because I can’t compete with those other girls. And I can’t count how many times that I’ve said that I hated you.
Love is a messy thing. Love is something that I’m now afraid of, I never thought that deciding to come to Brevard College would lead me to you. You may not be the person that I’m going to end up with but you were my first love, a messy first love but a first love at that.
