I’ve loved twice in my life now. Wholeheartedly, fiercely, passionately, and deeply. I’ve loved with everything I had, gave everything I could and fought till the very end. They say if you want something bad enough, you can have anything. But, "Time is a slut; in the end she screws everybody.” Sometimes, in the cruelest of ways, “The universe demands to be noticed.” Sadly, some mornings we wake up, “Finding everything smeared with the color of forgotten love.”

I've experienced midnight texts that mark the beginning and the end. The slap of reality when it hits you hard in the face. The God-awful choking/gasping sounds that come in between sobs, and fixing tear-streaked faces. The heavy feels when you wake up the next morning trying to forget everything from the night before.

Yet through it all, I have loved.

I remember at the end when my words finalized my decision and our, “See you when I see you,” turned into a permanent, “Goodbye.” I lay on the floor for what seemed like forever. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. All I could do was lay there, half breathing, half sobbing. My heart hurt so damn bad. When time passed I looked up and saw myself in the mirror; completely pathetic, vulnerable, and distraught. Yet somehow, a quiet thought slipped through and I told myself if this was what the worst felt like…I couldn’t wait to see what the best is.

I don’t believe in the idea of “forever” and honestly, anyone who does is setting themselves up for heartbreak. Eventually, forever will crumble into nothing but a matter of months, meaningless words, and broken promises. Nothing in this world lasts forever, one day everything will cease to exist. The mountains will fall to dust, the stars will stop moving and the sun will stop shining. Everyone and everything will be done. All of those soft whispers of “forever” will fail.

But there’s always an “eternity.” I do believe in that. The problem is, we don’t get to eternity until after we’ve disproved “forever.”

I’ve chosen a lot of shitty people to love in my life…chose a lot of shitty people to be hurt by. I’m not saying this out of bitterness because of the ending; it’s the honest-to-God truth. I gave puzzle pieces of myself away to those who never intended to keep them. Now when I need to be put together, my pieces have been stolen away.

I don’t want another promised “forever,” I don’t want anyone trying to fit themselves into my heart, claiming to be the “missing puzzle piece” for myself. I want real. I want scary and I want it to be hard.

I want the honesty in someone saying, “I don’t know how long this is gonna last, but right now I want you, and I’ll do all I can to keep us together.” I want silence where comfort is found in between words late at night. Where breathing and darkness feel the most understood. I want crazy, the kind of, “Oh hell, we have no idea what we’re doing, but I can’t stop looking at you, so this must be right,” type of feeling. I want passionate; the kind where eyes meet and the world literally stops. I want scary, the feeling of not knowing what tomorrow will bring, choosing to spend every second together, completely in love. I want it to be hard; nothing easy is ever worth keeping.

Not to throw in a John Green cliché, but I want infinity. No matter how long…no matter the size. I want honest, silent, crazy, passionate, scary and hard. I want it for as long as I can have it. If forever won't last anyway, why should it matter how long I get to keep it, as long as it’s mine for a while?

In all honesty, “True love will triumph in the end, which may or may not be a lie. But if it is a lie, it’s the most beautiful lie we have.”