I’m still not really sure why classes are a requirement for college. I’m only here to broaden my social agenda and get all my bad decisions out of the way, right? Kidding. Kind of. One thing I still really haven’t gotten the hang of is tests. Yes, okay, I understand these grades are basically my future, but hey what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. At least that's what Kelly Clarkson told me.

As with most of my test days, options of what I could do run through my mind. I could either study now and sleep later. OR I could watch the entire season of Orange is the New Black and stay up all night studying. Mentally listing the pros and cons of each option, I altogether decide option number one is the psychological and physically healthier option. Too bad I have the self- discipline of a 14 year old boy. I end up going with option number two and self- medicate Netflix.

After successfully finishing a season of Parks & Rec., I open up my textbook for a mere thirty seconds before deciding I am absolutely starving. I go to dinner with my roommate and justify the lost time by deciding that calories don’t count when pulling an all-nighter. That's right. It is law that a pint of queso, four coffees and a bag of Goldfish has the calorie equivalent to air while pulling (or about to pull) an all-nighter. Therefore, excuse my large pizza I will have delivered at 3 AM, I am just seizing the opportunity.

Its 10 PM and I am finally home and ready to do this thing. I spend thirty minutes getting every colored pen, folder, highlighter and paper lined across a table before sitting down to start. I mentally schedule the next 8-10 hours in my head. Oh I can totally do this. 8 chapters is no biggie. I will just read them while taking notes, then go back and study my notes. I will have this done by the morning and ace this test. Hell yeah.

For the next two hours, I’m very productive. I drink 2 cups of coffee, check Twitter 6 times, and paint my nails. Productive, right? It’s now midnight, and I am one chapter in. I am still confident and continue to study.

It’s now 1 AM, and I am 2 chapters in. I realize I actually know nothing. I can’t do this. I’m not smart. I’m going to fail. Panic ensues. I begin to text every breathing human I know who is in the class, taken the class before, or walked past the class. I get one response back.

Idk just study the book, I studied earlier but am going to bed. Good-luck!

Thanks for the non-existent help. That's the last time i'll ever ask you for your help. I take a breath and cool down. Ok, maybe not the last time I ask for your help, I really appreciated that pledge ride home the other night.

From this recent let down, I get a sudden boost of (Adderall fueled?) energy. The events that happen in the next 5 hours are as follows:

I read two chapters.

I cry for approximately 23 minutes.

I scour the internet for Quizlets associated with this class.

I study Quizlet for no more than 15 minutes.

I read some.

I text all my friends that I have decided to become an exotic dancer.

I make 4 cups of coffee.

I cry.

I study some more.

I text my dad that I have decided to become an exotic dancer.

I take 4 BuzzFeed quizzes.

I eat 2 bowls of ice cream and a slice of pizza.

The next thing I know it’s 6 AM, and I have a test starting in two hours. I do a quick re-assessment of my life. I decide that I am a genius, engage in one more power hour, and then head off to class.

The test is possibly the worst 50 minutes of my life. Okay 44 minutes of my life, I took a 6 minute nap halfway through. I spend the next 12 hours asleep in bed ultimately regretting my sad, sorry life. After working up enough courage to check my grades, I realize that I am (after all) a genius. I made a whopping 66. 6 points above average!!! With a curve, I’ll be fine. I thank the God of all-nighters and pat myself on the back for another job well done.

Disclaimer: All-nighters have been scientifically proven to be better for studying. Okay so not scientifically proven. But they have been proven by me, and I have studied Biology, so technically I am a scientist.