"The human mind is a wonderful thing—it starts working the moment you are born and it never stops until you get up to speak in public.” - Roscoe Drummond
My love-hate relationship with public speaking has always been a rocky one. I don't exactly remember when it started, but there's always been a part of me that gets anxious at speaking in front of my peers or even worse, a crowd of strangers. Just hearing the catastrophic words "public speaking," no matter the kind, causes my skin to crawl with a Pavlovian response of disgust. My lips start to curl with hatred and my hands to turn with so much fear that I start to psyche myself out.
I hate it. But there's not really a full on time when I hate speaking in public because while it feels like the end of the world to present to the class or to read a piece I've written, I also like it. Love it, in fact. Crazy, right? My hands tremble, my words can't even come out of my mouth and I love to be immersed in that feeling.
In high school, I dreaded going to drama. My mornings were full of stress at the idea that I had to participate and perform for the class. I was and still am the shy girl who needs to get accustomed and comfortable for participation to be a common act.
It's funny, though. Now that I think of it, I remember how much I wished our teacher would pick on me to do the daily warm-ups. It was always a game of "pick me pick me" but when I felt my teacher's gaze, I cowered into myself and thought "don't pick me" hoping it would never come to that. I tried to get as close as I could to the spotlight but once I was right underneath it, I pushed away from what I silently desired.
Since I've been in college, I've slowly been trying to allow myself to be comfortable with actually enjoying speaking in front of a crowd. From joining and performing in The Vagina Monologues to taking a Poetry in Performance course, I have given myself the control over my body's natural stress response to the perceived threat of speaking in front of people. I have given myself the confidence to not give up and hide away after every stutter I spill from my wobbly lips.
And yes, there are still shaky footsteps towards the front of the class, my voice never ceases to tremble, and I am pretty sure my face still turns a deep cherry red. But, this has not stopped me from loving the adrenaline rush that I get from overcoming my fears and reading my pieces aloud, or from presenting for a class. It is just a matter of not allowing that fear to consume me, but instead to use that fear to propel me to speak and express myself.
Oh how I love thee, bravery inducing public speaking!
