My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and are not "Facebook official." When I never received a notification from him asking me to be his girlfriend on Facebook, I have to admit I was a little concerned. I felt immature because I wondered whether or not he wanted people to know about us, but he explained to me that there were more important things to him about us than being active on Facebook. He felt it only distanced his relationships in the past, and that we could both be in a happy relationship without involving Facebook.
Here we are three years later, and I have to say he was right. I believe that keeping our relationship off Facebook was the right decision for us in the early stages of our relationship. At this point, I honestly don't think it would impact us either way, but I don't see us declaring our relationship on Facebook anytime soon.
I wanted to find out how Facebook affects the stages of relationships, even breaking up. Was it a good decision to keep us off Facebook, or could our relationship have benefited from a virtual commitment? Whether you just became “Facebook official,” single or married, here’s how Facebook could be affecting your relationship.
Love at First Friend Request?
Friend requests are the beginning of every relationship on Facebook, romantic or not.
The article “How Facebook Affects Our Relationships," co-written by Albright College senior Anthony Roberson, said that Facebook can make it easier to find potential romantic partners based on compatibility. “It’s a good filter. [Facebook] helps you realize when it’s worth going through the hassle.” By allowing users to like pages and add information about their work and family history, Facebook provides instant access to a potential partner’s interests and hobbies.
Researchers can actually guess who people's romantic partners are based on their Facebook profile through mutual friends. Roberson’s article used the example that “if Mike is friends with Sara, and Sara is friends with some of Mike’s high school friends, some of his work friends, and some of his family members, Sara is probably his girlfriend. Even Facebook can spot a healthy relationship.”
Although some people want to add as many friends as possible, adding friends on Facebook that one partner does not approve of could lead to problems within the relationship. Russel B. Calyton's study on Facebook use and negative relationship outcomes found that conflict or jealousy may arise from an individual discovering that his or her partner added an ex-partner as a friend on Facebook.
Facebook Official: “The Digital Wedding Ring”
Going Facebook official certainly has its benefits. By disclosing your relationship to as many of your connections as possible, you won't have to constantly answer the question, "Are you still with [insert name here]?" every time your reunite with distant relatives or friends. Although declaring a relationship on Facebook can serve as a form of public commitment and security for couples, studies found that it could magnify commitment issues in the early stages of a relationship.
According to Dr. Gwendolyn Seidman, associate professor of psychology at Albright College, “People worry about their relationship status as ‘Facebook official.’ Couples have always had issues defining commitment early in a relationship, but I think the presence of social media relationship status intensifies that.”
Roberson is currently in an exclusive relationship but is not “Facebook official.” Roberson and his girlfriend had a discussion about becoming “Facebook official” and made the decision together. To Roberson, “it’s like signing a contract. Relationships shouldn’t be like that."
For couples in relationships of three years or less, Clayton’s study found that high levels of Facebook use are associated with negative outcomes such as cheating or breaking up. This could be because individuals who are on Facebook may be neglecting their partner by spending time on Facebook, communicating with former partners or developing Facebook related jealousy by constantly monitoring their partner.
Facebook related jealousy in its most extreme form is called "Facebook stalking." Virtually stalking your significant other includes frequently viewing Facebook photos, statuses and check-ins, even statuses from several years back. In a study on electronic surveillance in romantic relationships, Robert S. Tokunaga found that Facebook stalking is more likely to occur in younger individuals who are in shorter or newer relationships.
“News Feed:” A Relationship Show-off?
From sharing photos, statuses and check-ins, Facebook opens up a whole new way for couples to show pda, or public displays of affection.
Abbe Lipshutz, a junior communications major at Albright College, feels that if couples didn’t use Facebook, relationships “would be more personal because a lot of things in relationships are shared on Facebook today … I always see that when I'm scrolling through.”
According to Seidman, the greatest effect of Facebook is not on one’s personal relationship, but rather “the social expectation that you should know about everyone’s relationship and everyone should know about yours … we end up knowing much more about the private lives of our acquaintances than we otherwise would.”
Roberson finds excessive relationship posts annoying. His friend recently posted a “page long essay” about his new relationship, which Roberson finds unnecessary. Although excessive status updates and photographs about couples can annoy some, Roberson feels a lot of people can turn their backs.
Facebook allows users to set unrealistic expectations in relationships. In addition to seeing happy couples all the way down your newsfeed, Facebook has become a media platform for sharing articles, many of which explain how to tell if your significant other is the right one for you or if its time to move on. For some couples, these articles may not be taken seriously or even read together as a bonding experience. For others, the words could speak to them and lead them to expect more of their partner than they would had they not read the article, harming an otherwise healthy relationship.
From being “in a relationship with…” to “single”
If you're Facebook official, breaking up is bittersweet. On the one hand, the whole world knows that it didn't work out for you and your former perfect person. On the other hand, it lets a lot of your friends and family members know the news all at once, so you don't have to text or call all of your relatives and friends to fill them in.
Once you do breakup, do you delete your ex-partner as a friend? Block them? According to Roberson, some people remain friends with their exes just to keep tabs. Roberson does not consider this to be “Facebook stalking,” but rather curiosity, or a way to let their ex-partner know when they are in a new relationship. Staying friends on Facebook with an ex “keeps the bridge there.”
For users who don’t want to unfriend or block their former partner, Facebook recently launched a new feature that allows users to see less of their exes without deleting them altogether. Now, when you change your relationship status to single, divorced or blank you can select the “Take a Break” option. According to Facebook’s website, when you “Take a Break” from someone, you prevent their posts from appearing on your newsfeed, limit their access to your posts and edit who can see past posts. More information on the “Take a Break” function can be found on Facebook’s website through the Facebook Help Center.
“Life Event:” Married
For couples in a relationship of three years or more, Facebook may not be a concern at all.
Clayton suggests that people in relationships longer than three years may not be as likely to be on Facebook as often in the first place.
In Seidman’s personal use of Facebook, she does not feel that Facebook has affected her relationships, primarily because she barely uses Facebook. She feels that “Facebook doesn’t have a huge impact on stable relationships, but that it does matter in the early stages, when it can bring issues of commitment to the forefront."
Lipshutz feels that Facebook negatively affected her relationships in the past because if her significant other wasn’t invited to an event that she attended, “they would see pictures and it would cause the fight of ‘why didn't you invite me?’”
Although the feeling of being left out affected Lipshutz's past relationships, she does not see this as an issue for married couples. “Once you are married, the trust becomes solidified, so any photos would be easy to understand and events would most invite both people … on the other hand, [Facebook] could also show other things that maybe one spouse wanted to keep private.”
Facebook, as with all social networking sites, has positive and negative influences on our relationships. Couples who choose to opt out of Facebook altogether still experience issues such as jealousy and reconnecting with old partners, so excessive use of Facebook may not directly cause these issues, but could magnify them. Overall, studies suggest that Facebook may be a threat to relationships that are not fully matured. What researches are still trying to figure out is if Facebook actually causes these problems, if these issues are already present in our relationships or if it is a combination of the two. Roberson’s last words of advice are: “Monitor your use [of Facebook] before incorporating your partner.”
