I have been in love.
Though I never really understood how much that word weighed until I started carrying it in my pockets.
I have marveled at how it sunk deep into my vocabulary and took over every syllable left in my mouth.
I tried so hard to plan out the confession and the speech I would deliver so beautifully. But that word, with all its weight, foiled those plans.
Things changed quicker than I could exhale a breath.
I was in the middle before I saw it all begin.
And that’s how fast love happens. It doesn’t politely knock on your door, or mail itself to you in an envelope, waiting to be opened. It just storms through your life and steals you.
It’s funny when I think back on it now.
How careful we both were. How much those words weighed.
How we exhausted them for the next couple of months, saying them over and over, texting and typing those words out so perfectly, reminding one another again and again and again.
Now when I look at him, I say the words silently.
When he goes in for a hug, I dodge him like a bee. I cower. I pull back.
I tuck that love back in my pockets and continue to let it weigh me down.
It makes a campsite in my heart, burning veins to keep itself warm, destroying me from the inside out.
It burns to speak to him. It burns to breathe around him.
My body is a smoky entry.
My mouth tastes of hurtful words and emotions I expelled carelessly.
I am weak.
I miss him like the flowers miss sunshine.
We don’t say much when we see each other.
We weave everything into our silences.
I remember us talking about how breakups get better.
How no matter what, we’d both be fine down the road.
How we’d get over it and date other people.
How the love would dissipate and leave.
Maybe we were wrong.
Maybe love will always weigh down our pockets. And maybe there will always be tents pitched in my heart.
Maybe love doesn’t change.
Maybe we just have to…
Sometimes you can REALLY love a person, and still understand that you’re not right for them.
Sometimes you can hurt and be sad and miss a person AND still choose to not be with him.
It takes great bravery to decide to let someone you love go in hopes you’ll both find what you truly need.
It feels like you’re going crazy, but in the end, you will thank yourself.
They can love you fiercely, and still not be what you need.
Love yourself through it.
Maybe the love won’t ever change, but you can.
You can grow and find someone that truly understands you.
Someone that doesn’t make you feel bad or guilty for being who you are.Someone that loves you and cares for you and supports you.
Someone that knows how to communicate with you.
Don’t ever let love be a crutch.
Love doesn’t mean you’re a perfect match.
It just means you have a good heart.
Maybe it’s time to give it to someone else.
Because love doesn’t always change. We just have to.