I swore I was done with love. I didn’t want anything to do with the feelings, the fighting, the struggle. I didn’t see the point in relationships, when everything is destined to end. We aren’t even promised a tomorrow, so why waste what time we have on someone that could be so temporary? I put my all into someone that was in love with someone else, and that took everything away from me. He took away my will to live, my strength, and everything I looked forward to in our lives. Eight years of friendship thrown away, because I wasn’t what he wanted. After that, I ran from any sign of feelings. The thought of love, alone, was enough to make me want to puke. I shut everyone out, and relied on myself for once. I told myself that I would always be enough, that I didn’t need anyone else. I enjoyed it, for a while, but with time came the loneliness. It got old being alone every night. I had my friends, but I wanted something more, something intimate. With the intimacy, however, came feelings and I just wasn’t ready for any kind of commitment. Then one day I got a message from a guy I used to hang out with a couple summers back. He was always the boy that was off limits, so I never put much thought into it. He said he wanted to see me, so we sat up a day and time and I went down to see him. The girl who never caught feelings was screwed, this boy with brown eyes had caught me up in a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. I was scared, I thought I knew how it would end, but I was dead wrong.
One year ago, I lost the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. We’d planned out a beautiful wedding, and had our whole future planned. I got pregnant and we thought it was meant to be. When the cold came and the flowers left, so did the man I was desperately in love with. They say that we’re all addicted to something that takes the pain away, but what do you do when it’s a person? I had a miscarriage, and he showed up to the hospital with eyes as dark as the night, I think that’s when I knew it was really over. A couple weeks later, I went through his phone and found messages about how he was so in love with this other girl. It was 3 in the morning, but I was done. I had to get out. I packed all my things while he was screaming awful things at me, and that next morning I walked out of his life for good. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. He was toxic, he was the six shots of tequila that leave you crying on the bathroom floor for no reason. He was all of the broken promises, and all of the heartbreak brought to life. When I finally realized that I was okay on my own, I was dead set that I would never catch feelings again, and for a while I was doing well.
After the big break up, my phone was blowing up with different guys. A chance at love again, but I didn’t want any part in it. I was the same person that he’d always been to me. I regret the way I was, now, but you can’t go back in time and fix the things you did wrong. Life goes on, and people either forget, or they don’t. I set out on a mission to find myself, and came back with more insight than ever. I went from being the heartless girl who didn’t catch feelings, to a woman with a beautiful mind.
When the guy who had always been off limits decided he wanted me, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think I would fall for him the way that I did. He said things to me that changed my life forever, and made promises that he intended to keep. He brought back that light that had went out so long ago. I will always be thankful for that. Before he came along, I was a dark soul on a path of destruction, destroying anything that got in my way. With him, it’s different. He brings out the loving side of me, the side that my family hasn’t seen since the break up. I swore I’d never fall in love again, but when he looks at me and tells me he would never want anyone else, I can’t help but to let my walls come tumbling down. He helped me move on.
The truth is, you can’t run from love just because you’re scared of being hurt. Fix your make up, quit the crying and get back out there. There’s not a lot of time in this world, and we never know when we will take our last breath, so live it up while you can. Enjoy the presence of another, and don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. Moving on is the most important step in the grieving process of an ended relationship. Quit trying to get even with the boy who broke your heart, and give another a chance to patch up the cracks. Fall in love as many times as you need to, but don’t ever give up. One day, you’ll find the man that you were meant to spend your life with, and you’ll forget about the boy who treated you like a doormat. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re moving too fast, do what you’ve got to do. No one knows your feelings better than you. Take it from the girl who let herself believe she didn’t have feelings. There’s always gonna be that certain someone that brings out the light in you. When you find that person, hold on to them with all you’re worth. It’ll be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I promise.
