I know you're reading the sub-headline thinking this girl is C R A Z Y! “If I want to look for love or search for a soulmate I will?! I know he's out there!" Girl, all power to you. But, listen to my story first.

I was married. Yes, married. Yes, being divorced at 20 isn't the typical story. But, it's my story. My story consists of an 18-year old who thought she knew it all. An 18-year old who ignored everyone around her and had one goal, to prove everyone wrong. The funny part is, the joke is on her. The only person she proved wrong was herself. Jumping into a marriage at 18-years old was by far the stupidest decision I have ever made, but I wouldn't change it. Sitting through marriage counseling alone really takes a tole on a person, but looking back I'm so thankful for that time in my life. I learned how important it was to love myself. The only person who could piece me back together was, well, me. As I started piecing myself back together I found myself searching for validation. I desperately wanted to be loved as big as I love and to have a my happily ever after. The more I searched for that love, the more I got disappointed. My heart seemed to ache more than it ever had, and why? I found myself searching for validation and love from people who judged me without even knowing my reasoning behind being divorced at such a young age. I, for so long, let guys who knew nothing about me make me feel damaged. I began to feel like my “baggage" would keep me from ever getting a fairytale ending. Looking back today at my daily journal entries from this time a year ago, I want to go back and hug that girl. I want to rip out every page that is smudged from tears. If only that girl could've known that a year from then, she would have what she does now.

So, here I am today to tell that part. The girl from those late night journal sessions, the girl who hated herself, the girl who based her worth on the opinion of others, the girl who felt like she didn't deserve to be loved, that girl? She started loving herself as big as she loved others. She quit looking for love. She wrote something she loved about herself each day and convinced herself she was worthy of one day being loved. Regardless of the past. Someone someday somewhere would love her regardless of her dumb decisions and divorce certificate. Someone would someday listen to her story and see that she tried. She gave 110% to a relationship. She was loyal even when she didn't get that in return. She became confident in herself and her ability to love others. To love others without conditions. She began hopeful in one day being loved back without conditions.

Stopping looking for love was the best decision I ever made.

Four months later, it walked in my front door. A game night at my house brought me my love. A pure, raw, real, without conditions kind of love. Was this real?? Without looking for anything and promising myself I would not let myself get into a relationship again, he persisted. I laid my entire past out in the open thinking he would run so far and so fast out my door. But, he stayed. He loved me bigger despite those things. I didn't even think that kind of love was in the books for me. The moment I stopped looking for love, It found me. I get loved harder on days I feel like I don't deserve any at all. I get forehead kisses and bear hugs constantly. I get told I'm beautiful at least 200 times a day. I get a “listen to this song it makes me think of you." Like, what? I get a “let me know when you make it" text and a constant reminder of how much I'm loved throughout the day every single day. I constantly hear how beautiful my eyes are and how the passion I have for others shines. Every little characteristic I thought would always be overlooked gets appreciated daily. He makes sure every person in the room knows how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me. Someone who loves me as big as I love actually exists and I get to call him mine. How cool is that?? We laugh constantly, dance it out daily, and eat Waffle House at ridiculous hours. The girl who felt like she would never be good enough gets reminded daily that she is. So girl, don’t settle. Ever. You deserve everything you’ve ever dreamed of. He’s out there.

When I stopped looking for love, a love so big and so pure walked in my door. I'm forever thankful for the process. The tears. The girl a year ago and the girl writing this today.