“There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you love something greater than yourself. A tender sacrifice. Like the pained silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid; or the bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina. It is in every considered step I am taking in the opposite direction of you.” -Lang Leav

I will not lie. I will not be cowardice and shy away from anything short of the truth. I will be brutally honest, no matter how sad this is to read, no matter how much sadder it’s going to be to write.

Every second after you left freaking SUCKED. I cried, and cried, and cried, and when I stopped crying, I cried again. I was the epitome of a miserable, broken hearted girl. I dreaded waking up in the morning, I dreaded pouring a cup of coffee, I dreaded getting in the car because it just didn’t feel right without having you in the front seat. I dreading turning on the radio because I KNEW they would play the songs we used to sing together. I acted tough… When you said, you felt it was best that we didn’t speak anymore, I womaned-up. I didn’t argue, I said, “okay, whatever will make you happy.” I meant it, and I still do. When people asked how I was doing, I smiled sweetly and told them I was doing fine. Nobody knew I cried myself to sleep every night. Nobody knew I carried a polaroid of you in my wallet. Nobody knew anything. It got worse before it got better. I prayed every single night that God would take care of you, that he would tell you how much I loved you. I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to go anywhere, all I wanted to do was sit in my bed and cry. So, I did. I’ve cried more tears than you could possibly imagine. I’ve cried to the point where I couldn’t breathe, I cried till I didn’t have any tears left, I screamed until my throat was raw. I had let the heartbreak take over my entire being.

And then, one day, I woke up, and I decided I was going to be okay. I decided it was time to take back control of my life. I decided the pain of losing you would not define me. I decided that I was going to define me. I found that I am a strong woman. I am a kind woman. I am a patient woman. I am a respectful woman. I am a powerful woman. I am the kind of woman who will change the hearts and lives of others. I am the kind of woman who is too valuable to sit and pine over a boy (hint- “boy”) who I never meant anything to. I am the kind of woman that a man somewhere out there, is praying for. I am the kind of woman who doesn’t see shape, size, or color. I am a goofy, obnoxious laugh. I am a smile that lights up a room. I am “brown eyed girl” and “sweet Caroline.” I am a woman who dances like no one is watching. I am a charismatic woman. I am real, I am honest. I am a woman that you want to wake up to every morning. I am a woman who knows every word to “no Vaseline” by ice cube, but who also knows just about every Frank Sinatra song ever made. I am a bubble bath and candles. I am sun and rain. I am fire and ice. I am “I will survive” by Gloria Gaynor. I am the way your favorite song makes you feel. I am your favorite novel. I am every woman you have ever met. I am a hurricane. I am a summer shower. I am beautiful, sleepy-eyed in a tee shirt. I am beautiful dressed to the nines. I learned to love all the parts of me that you didn’t, and everything else started to fall into place. I needed to be broken, I needed to fall down, so I could put my pieces back together, so I could brush myself off, and get back up.

Thank you for breaking me. Thank you for never laughing at my jokes. Thank you for being mean to me. Thank you for being all that you weren’t. I fill that void myself now, better than you ever could’ve.