I remember the first time I heard the phrase "would you love me more if I killed someone for you." It was a month or so after our big blow out that left us separated for good. I was driving home listening to one of my new favorite artists when the song came on.
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
The ways I changed for you flooded back into my head.
For instance, I love nothing more than my car and the community of people that it has allowed me to be a part of - you hated that. I gave up trying to tell you about things like Stancewars and how I finally landed a sponsor. Not only did I give up trying to bring you into something I loved, I nearly gave it up myself. I stopped going to car shows, stopped talking to my friends that were part of that community. You had downplayed my love for something to the point it seemed like a burden to you. So, I gave it up to try to keep our love alive. Boy, was that a mistake.
Another example would be how I nearly failed out of a class in order to keep seeing you. It was my sophomore year of college, and I knew that it was going to be harder than the year before. With that said, I was willing to put in less effort than my freshman year just so that I could see you. Had a big paper due and it wasn't done? Turn it in 75% finished and call it good. Had a meeting with my editing team for the magazine I worked for? Leave it 30 minutes early so that I could meet you at your house when you got home from work. To this day I love school, and I love nothing more than getting good grades but I put that all on the line for you. I put my future on the line for you.
In the end, I did kill someone for you - it was me.
All that I loved and took pride in you didn't care about and I thought that if I left them behind or pushed them to the side that you would love me more. That was so far from the case. After the last blow out we had that left us not only separated but on not talking ever again terms I knew it was time for a change.
I needed to get the girl I killed for you back.
Since we split I have modified my car more. I put in a custom exhaust system and am installing a racing style wing in the next few months. I'm taking classes that I like again, ones that will allow me to work in the automotive industry doing marketing once I graduate. I lost the love you once gave me, but I gained the love I had for myself back.
