I'll never forget the day I found out you had the "C" word.
I was confused, I didn't understand how you, someone I love so much, could have such a horrible disease. It didn't seem fair. lt was like someone was playing a cruel joke on me.
I thought that you would be the one to defy the odds because if anyone was going to do it, it would've been you.
In the beginning, you were so full of life, you knew what was happening yet you remained positive, even in the darkest of days.
You would sit there and smile, and I would just think to myself how are you not sulking over what's happening to you?
You were my sunshine, you made my days better, you brought me such happiness.
And then one-day things took a turn for the worse.
I didn't think it would mean the end, but it did.
You got sicker and sicker. Your body was giving up on you.
When I looked into your eyes I could tell you were tired.
I didn't want you to go, I didn't want you to leave. I wanted to stay with you forever. I held onto your hand and just stared at you. You were still breathing but I could tell you weren't living. Your quality of life was gone, and we all knew it.
You deteriorated in front of my eyes, and all I could do was watch.
That was the most painful part- to know that you were hurting, and I was powerless.
I know you're in a better place now, but that doesn't change the fact that I want you here with me.
I will never forgive Cancer for ripping you out of my life.
I will forever treasure the memory I have with you. When I think of you, I don't think of what cancer did to you, I remember you happy and healthy.
When people ask about you I don't say "he died," I say "he lost his battle with cancer"-because that's exactly what it was,
a battle.
A battle most don't win, even though they want to, even though they fight long and hard,
I want you to know that I think about you all the time. I love you, and I will always love you. You loved me, and I know that in my heart.
I know we had a special bond, and it hurts to know you're not physically here with me. But know that I'm living for you. At every major event in my life, I think of you. When I'm sad, happy, alone- I think of you and know that you're with me, always.
I know I'm not alone because I will carry you with me forever.
Whenever I hear the word cancer I feel my heart break in two, and it'll be that way until I hear, "we have found a cure."
To anyone out there who feels alone, upset and empty over a cancer loss, I've been there too. Losing someone to cancer is a pain like no other. We are completely out of control and have to watch someone suffer. Just know that your special person is no longer suffering, they are no longer in pain.
People say things get better with time, but that is a lie. It doesn't get "better," the pain never goes away. I still cry and hurt, as if it was yesterday that I found out I lost you. But eventually, you come to the realization that you have to channel your pain into something.
The emotions that come with losing a loved one, are intense. Finding your purpose again in life is difficult, but trust me, you will.
In time, you learn to think of the positives, I remember my warrior in the sunshine and not the thunderstorms.
I hope that you can see that this was meant for you, you're forever in my heart, forever on my mind, and forever by my side. I love you, you're forever my warrior.
A piece I wrote while grieving my loss:
I Hope
I hope you're dancing in the rain,
and drinking champagne.
I hope your dreams come true,
and you never feel blue.
I hope the wind grazes through your hair,
and that you can travel anywhere.
I hope you feel the warmth of the sun,
and you are spending time with your loved one.
I hope you smell the roses,
as your chapter here closes.
I hope you're OK,
my memory of you will never fade away.
I hope your eyes still shimmer,
and your soul doesn't become dimmer.
I hope you know I love you,
and I hope you had no trouble passing through.
Xoxo.
