On my computer, there's a folder with every single article, poem and personal essay that I've ever written. Finished or unfinished, edited or unedited, they're all in there. Sometimes, I like to go back and look at what I wrote my sophomore, junior or senior year to see how far I've come as a writer.
Historically, sadness and heartbreak have inspired creative minds everywhere to create some of their best works. Catharsis is important. I'm a firm believer in throwing myself into my work when I'm feeling down. Finding new things that I love is a journey that I always enjoy.
I've always loved writing and creating, but I really started writing as a coping mechanism during my senior year of high school. I was debating my entire future, I broke up with my boyfriend and overall I just had way more going on than I ever had before. I would write as a way to visualize what was going on in my mind.
It would take form as a stream of consciousness, open letter or if I was feeling especially creative I'd write an occasional poem. Every single thing that I wrote is in that folder on my computer. I haven't looked back in a while, but I thought I had a pretty good idea of the things that the folder contained.
As I was going through, I noticed a document that I had never seen before. It was about a half of a page long and I don't remember writing it whatsoever, but reading it made my heart ache for who I used to be.
One of the weirdest things about debating about leaving a relationship is that you have to debate about leaving part of yourself behind. When you admit to yourself that leaving is the best thing to do, you start to blame a lot of people and things, including yourself.
I blamed myself in my breakup. I lost myself, and I didn't know who I wanted to be afterward. For a year, I was focused on someone with a personality 10 times bigger than mine ever was. My relationship and my ex became a huge part of who I was. I didn't know any better, and I ended up hurt when I realized how much of myself I really lost.
"It's impossible to be with someone who shines so brightly on their own when you are a dim glow to other people and not be taken over. They can give you some of their light, but they create so much more on their own that it isn't enough. No matter what, you won't be able to create your own light again."
First of all, that was extremely dramatic of me to say, but my heart aches for the girl who wrote this. I know she's out there somewhere, and I just wish I could give her a big hug and tell her that everything will be OK. I may not remember writing it, but I remember how I was feeling.
I remember being scared. I remember constantly asking why I wasn't enough. I remember questioning everything about myself. How are you supposed to pick yourself up and put yourself back together when you don't even remember who you were in the first place?
But, I did it. Damn did I do it.
I knew I had to walk away. I knew that I could become a version of myself that was more amazing than I could have ever imagined. You can too. If you're someone that lost their light, just hold on. Your light doesn't depend on someone else to keep shining. You'll find your own spark.
You'll shine again, I promise. Don't ever apologize for burning too bright. You will never be too much for the people that really deserve you.