Life is composed of many moments that alter your life. Some for the good, some for the ugly, and some for the simple existence of growth and learning we all thrive on. And sometimes it is possible to lose control of those moments, ultimately it wreaking havoc on the life you once loved. It hits you like a brick, even more so, a wall. A wall that gets hit SO unbelievably hard that it feels impossible to reverse.
After all it was just last week that you were smiling, laughing, and trying to contain your excitement for the future, but now you aren't sure how to move on another day. You spend your day sunken into your covers, head hiding behind a pillow, afraid to get up and move. You have absolutely no appetite and even the thought of food repulses you. Your mind wanders to a million places, but none of them depicting a world of color and newness. You envision a life past where you are now and you cannot wait, but then you realize its a lifetime away and your heart breaks into a million tiny pieces. And the worst part? No one really knows how you truly feel.
That's the thing about feeling this way - instead of feeling relief when you expose your heart to someone, you feel awful. You feel as if you're a burden to that person and that they shouldn't be bothered with such trivial issues. The friends you once entrusted your life with are now only a fantasy of what you wished was real, and the thing is that it isn't their fault, it's yours. Moving on, and thinking forward seems practically impossible because all wish for is for a better tomorrow. Hell, even a better today would be nice. Sometimes pushing forward, getting out of bed, and dreaming of a better life (free of mental obstacles) is so unbelievably hard that you just want to forge on and forget and sink even deeper into that comfy bed of yours.
But even after you've felt loss in the deepest, hardest, and scariest possible capacity, you still find a reason to move on because you do not want this to own you. You've gone through life living aimlessly without fear of the future. So why let this contain you?
It is instead when we realize our life has an expiration date, and that our impact on this world is limited by a ticking time bomb. We sit back and embrace mental illness, and sometimes we let it take over every aspect of this short-lived experience of life without fear that it will be all that we were. But although we face an inner turmoil that is sometimes too hard to comprehend, we still try to push right along and blend in with the others. We try to live each day on edge, but that's exactly it, we live them. We live the days we could have given up to the tornado plowing in our brains. We could have given up to the clouds that cover our thoughts and feelings. We could have given up to the idea of a better future. But that's exactly it— instead of giving up, we gave in. We gave in to the idea of a better tomorrow, even though sometimes it is too hard to see through the muddled clouds or the raging tornado.
We try to move on for so many reasons. We do it for the family who expels every ounce of love they have into you. We do it for the partner who does not understand, yet tries to show compassion through every possible mental strife. We do it for the people who put you here, in this state of mental distress. We do it for the dog who waits at the top of the stairs for your arrival each evening. And most importantly, you do it for, well, you.
All you can do is focus on that greater tomorrow because, in the end, it is all we all have left.
*See attached song for a little guidance and listen to it carefully. You are so incredibly and wonderfully made. You are so loved.*
