Lost in the Pursuit of Finding 'The One'

Lost in the Pursuit of Finding 'The One'

Are you the person you want your soulmate to be?

Every person has at some point in their lives entertained the thought of meeting "The One."

Even in music, pop music is mostly about "The One." On social media, you are bombarded with photos of your friends with ‘their ones.’ Family members and friends always make sure to ask if you’ve found someone yet.

A big part of living a successful life is measured by whether or not we have found "The One." I know this because I wince every time my favorite celebrity couple announces a divorce. I feel sad because a part of me feels like someone failed. I want to know who cheated, who walked out -- who was the one who failed in the relationship, so that I can somehow learn from their mistakes.

Whether you believe that there is such thing as "The One," or not, the truth is, we all long to find someone who can give us the butterflies and be there to make us feel valued, complete, and happy forever.

As a result, much of our young lives are consumed with fantasizing about meeting the perfect person who will invigorate our lives with their amazing personalities, dashing looks, admirable ambitions, and most importantly, their ability to love us whole-heartedly.

Having a set list of expectations for "The One," is completely normal and healthy. However, in our pursuit for "The One," we often forget that people aren’t perfect, and we are even disappointed when we cannot check every box on the mental checklist of expectations we have of the perfect person.

In our pursuit for "The One," we have utterly forgotten to ask ourselves, Are we "The Ones?" Meaning: We have all these expectations of "The One," we are trying to find, but if we were to ask ourselves if we meet up those same expectations, do we?

How can we expect to find a person who meets those expectations if we are not even trying to live up to those same expectations ourselves? It’s easy to say we want A, B, C, D and E in a person; yet, we aren’t living up to those same standards. We hold ourselves to a much lower standard -- at least I know I have in the past.

So I urge you, instead of focusing all of your drive and energy in finding "The One," (or perfecting the one you are with right now), take the time and energy to measure yourself up against the same standards you have for the other party.

1. Finding someone who will make you his/her top priority.

We all want someone who will place our needs above their own. Ideally, we all want someone who is going to stay up to all hours to make us feel better even if they’re exhausted and have a million other things to do. They’d be willing to sacrifice that time even if they didn’t feel like it.

With that being said, I want to ask you, are you willing to make this person your top priority? It’s really easy think that you will in the beginning, but when the butterflies aren’t there anymore and you have finals to study for and you’re consumed in your own problems, are you willing to push that all aside and make time for the simple reason of wanting your significant other to be happy?

2. Finding someone who is going to be generous and responsible.

We all want someone who will lavish us with gifts, take us out to nice places, and who will always have a giving and generous spirit -- all the while being responsible with their finances and planning ahead to make sure you’ll be taken care of in the long run.

Are you willing to be giving and selfless, even at the expense of your own wants and needs? College students, we all know our funds are limited. Therefore, money is hard to come by, and it isn’t always easy to save for your significant other when it seems like we have a million other things we need for ourselves instead. While it feels nice to be spoiled, are you willing to give as much, if not more, than you take?

3. Finding someone who is going to be the biggest fan of your life.

You want your soulmate to lift you up when you’re low and reassure you that they think you’re awesome 100 percent of the time. When you’ve messed up, you want them to be there for you to say that they’re there for you no matter what and everything will be OK.

Somewhere along the line, your significant other is going to disappoint you, and that’s okay because no one is perfect. But will you be able to accept them for who they are, flaws and all? Or are you only willing to fan over them when times are good and both parties are putting their best face forward in the relationship?

4. Finding someone who makes you a better person.

Not only do you want "The One," to make you happy, but more importantly, you want this person to be mature and have good values so that they compliment your personality and enhance aspects of who you are so that you are the best person you can be. This person will not be dependent on you to complete them; they will lovingly lead you but never assume control over you so that you have the freedom to love life and love others.

Do you have the character and maturity-level it takes to help your significant other be a better person? I’m not saying you’re there to be this person’s life-coach and personal motivational-speaker, but even in the small decisions you both make together, will you help maximize this person’s potential, or will you unintentionally hinder this person’s growth instead? Will you be sure to not force your own will upon this person so that he or she will never have to compromise his or her values? Can this person be with you and feel a healthy sense of freedom as opposed to unhealthy entrapment?

5. Finding someone who is forgiving and faithful.

You want this person to be with you through it all, through everything - when the sky is falling and the birds aren’t singing and the whole world seems to be going against you. You want "The One" to be faithful even when it is hard. In hard times, you aren’t always going to be nice, so they are also going to have to forgive you even when you’re obviously in the wrong. Commitment isn't one-sided; you have a big role to play too. When emotions run high, commitment seems like the easiest thing in the world. But can you be faithful when it is hard, especially after your significant other has really annoyed or wronged you? Are you willing to lay your pride down and say sorry when you really don’t feel like it?

I know those are really big questions that we don’t like asking ourselves because if we’re being honest, we don’t know if we’re at a place in our lives where we can make a commitment like that. And that’s OK -- it only means that instead of dreaming about finding "The One," spend your time becoming the person you want your soulmate to be.

Cover Image Credit: http://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/8/2013/02/Paperman_disney-short.jpg

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it


Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

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What Rescuing a Dog Taught Me About My Future

She was a real pain to begin with, but I wouldn't give her up for the world now.


My first dog came from a breeder to us when he was just a puppy. I was in third grade so we were both young together. I remember stepping off of the bus and seeing him curled up in my mom's arms. His breed, a Cavalier King Charles, is a highly sought after dog for their small size and beautiful markings. However, dog breeding can lead to medical complications down the line. Heart murmurs are very frequent as cavaliers get older. When he turned 9 years old, they were already detecting the beginning of a heart murmur in him. But my second dog didn't come to us in quite the same way.

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