Every person has at some point in their lives entertained the thought of meeting "The One."
Even in music, pop music is mostly about "The One." On social media, you are bombarded with photos of your friends with ‘their ones.’ Family members and friends always make sure to ask if you’ve found someone yet.
A big part of living a successful life is measured by whether or not we have found "The One." I know this because I wince every time my favorite celebrity couple announces a divorce. I feel sad because a part of me feels like someone failed. I want to know who cheated, who walked out -- who was the one who failed in the relationship, so that I can somehow learn from their mistakes.
Whether you believe that there is such thing as "The One," or not, the truth is, we all long to find someone who can give us the butterflies and be there to make us feel valued, complete, and happy forever.
As a result, much of our young lives are consumed with fantasizing about meeting the perfect person who will invigorate our lives with their amazing personalities, dashing looks, admirable ambitions, and most importantly, their ability to love us whole-heartedly.
Having a set list of expectations for "The One," is completely normal and healthy. However, in our pursuit for "The One," we often forget that people aren’t perfect, and we are even disappointed when we cannot check every box on the mental checklist of expectations we have of the perfect person.
In our pursuit for "The One," we have utterly forgotten to ask ourselves, Are we "The Ones?" Meaning: We have all these expectations of "The One," we are trying to find, but if we were to ask ourselves if we meet up those same expectations, do we?
How can we expect to find a person who meets those expectations if we are not even trying to live up to those same expectations ourselves? It’s easy to say we want A, B, C, D and E in a person; yet, we aren’t living up to those same standards. We hold ourselves to a much lower standard -- at least I know I have in the past.
So I urge you, instead of focusing all of your drive and energy in finding "The One," (or perfecting the one you are with right now), take the time and energy to measure yourself up against the same standards you have for the other party.
1. Finding someone who will make you his/her top priority.
We all want someone who will place our needs above their own. Ideally, we all want someone who is going to stay up to all hours to make us feel better even if they’re exhausted and have a million other things to do. They’d be willing to sacrifice that time even if they didn’t feel like it.
With that being said, I want to ask you, are you willing to make this person your top priority? It’s really easy think that you will in the beginning, but when the butterflies aren’t there anymore and you have finals to study for and you’re consumed in your own problems, are you willing to push that all aside and make time for the simple reason of wanting your significant other to be happy?
2. Finding someone who is going to be generous and responsible.
We all want someone who will lavish us with gifts, take us out to nice places, and who will always have a giving and generous spirit -- all the while being responsible with their finances and planning ahead to make sure you’ll be taken care of in the long run.
Are you willing to be giving and selfless, even at the expense of your own wants and needs? College students, we all know our funds are limited. Therefore, money is hard to come by, and it isn’t always easy to save for your significant other when it seems like we have a million other things we need for ourselves instead. While it feels nice to be spoiled, are you willing to give as much, if not more, than you take?
3. Finding someone who is going to be the biggest fan of your life.
You want your soulmate to lift you up when you’re low and reassure you that they think you’re awesome 100 percent of the time. When you’ve messed up, you want them to be there for you to say that they’re there for you no matter what and everything will be OK.
Somewhere along the line, your significant other is going to disappoint you, and that’s okay because no one is perfect. But will you be able to accept them for who they are, flaws and all? Or are you only willing to fan over them when times are good and both parties are putting their best face forward in the relationship?
4. Finding someone who makes you a better person.
Not only do you want "The One," to make you happy, but more importantly, you want this person to be mature and have good values so that they compliment your personality and enhance aspects of who you are so that you are the best person you can be. This person will not be dependent on you to complete them; they will lovingly lead you but never assume control over you so that you have the freedom to love life and love others.
Do you have the character and maturity-level it takes to help your significant other be a better person? I’m not saying you’re there to be this person’s life-coach and personal motivational-speaker, but even in the small decisions you both make together, will you help maximize this person’s potential, or will you unintentionally hinder this person’s growth instead? Will you be sure to not force your own will upon this person so that he or she will never have to compromise his or her values? Can this person be with you and feel a healthy sense of freedom as opposed to unhealthy entrapment?
5. Finding someone who is forgiving and faithful.
I know those are really big questions that we don’t like asking ourselves because if we’re being honest, we don’t know if we’re at a place in our lives where we can make a commitment like that. And that’s OK -- it only means that instead of dreaming about finding "The One," spend your time becoming the person you want your soulmate to be.