Some people have multiple good friends, and others have one best friend that seems like a soulmate. I was fortunate enough to have found my "friend soulmate" when I was 5-years-old.
Ellie was my rock, my one friend I would go to with everything. She was practically my sister; we were at each other's houses so often that some people thought we were. She taught me how to love nature and animals, how to get dirty and not care, and most importantly, she taught me how to love fully.
When I found out that she was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, my world shattered into pieces. There was denial, anger, sadness, and everything in between. There were so many thoughts and questions racing through my mind.
"How could this happen so suddenly?"
"Why Ellie?"
"Why now"
"Why this?"
"Would our friendship be different?"
I was scared and confused, and I didn't process it completely at first. I remember a few months before her diagnosis, she told me that her left side felt weird and tingly but we just ignored it. After finding out, I felt that maybe if I had told someone about that, she somehow wouldn't be suffering through this tumor, but it was already there and there was nothing anyone could do. I was told that "there is nothing anyone can do" multiple times throughout the years, and honestly, it made me feel worse. It made me feel helpless.
Helplessness was felt by everyone. I know Ellie felt helpless while struggling to complete her daily activities and I felt helpless watching her strength and mobility deteriorate.
Finally the reality of having a sick best friend came into play. Just knowing that felt like a boulder on my chest, but we made all the moments count. My favorite memory is one that my mom brings up all the time. It was the last time I saw my best friend.
Ellie, her little sisters, and I were all on the couch, limbs on top of limbs, watching a movie. I don't remember the movie, but even if I did, I couldn't care less. I care about the fact that we were all there, together.
December 25, 2011 was the day I lost my best friend. So many emotions came along with that, including relief. I am not ashamed to say that I felt relief when she passed. She was no longer struggling to carry out a normal day. The memories and sadness fell upon the living, but that was okay. I would take any and all pain from Ellie if I could.
I still write letters to her. I don't have a solid stance on afterlife, but I still feel a connection with Ellie in some way. They are all stored in a box along with things she had given me over the years. I write to her about what's going on in my life and about how I wonder what she would be doing, what she would look like, and how my life would be different if she was still by my side.
I wish I had gotten to see her grow up and experience the life she was meant to have, but I am living mine for us. I know I am doing what she would have hoped for.
