Sixth grade was the year that I started to truly attend church. This was certainly not by choice. I will never forget crying and screaming at my mom because she was forcing me to go to something that was entirely out of my comfort zone. Social interaction of any kind already freaked me out, but especially at a church. Up until that point, I had never felt close to God. I did not pray very often, I had no idea what I truly believed in, and I was lost. Once I opened up to the possibility of liking church, I never looked back. I wish I could say the same now.
This is such a hard topic to talk about. I have always felt extremely solid in my faith, but recently I have felt so far away from God that sometimes I do not even recognize what He is asking of me anymore. I am starting to lose sight of who I used to be so passionate for.
The irony in all of this is that I attend a Christian university. You would think that because I am constantly surrounded by people who love the word and the Lord like I do, I would be so much more involved. I really believed that I would be so much more in tune with God by coming here. Some of the main reasons why I came to Grand Canyon University were because this school was so spiritually enriched and it was Christian-based.
Recently, I have been feeling really broken. There has been something missing from my life, and no I am not talking about a man. Being a natural introvert, I find it really hard to open up to people. Basically, I have been surrounded by wonderful people, yet I feel so alone. I find it even harder to open myself up to God. I know He is the God of mercy and forgiveness, but how could He possibly want me after all I have done?
Isaiah 41: 10 says,
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
This verse has always hit me really hard. I realized that I have not been actively seeking God lately, and that is why I have been struggling so much with my faith. He has done His part, and now it is time to do mine. I have been convinced that as long as I am in a Christian atmosphere, I can continue to do whatever I want without any consequences. Relationships are two-way streets, and I haven't done anything to make this relationship progress.
This past weekend, I went to church for the first time in months. My dad and I sat inside that church, and for the short time I was there, I felt like I had come home. Even though the message didn't hit me really hard, I was so happy to be back. I have a new appreciation for the place I used to be so fond of.
I wrote this because I feel like some people can relate to this feeling of distance between them and God. It is not something that is easy to notice right away. Once you start to tear down all the walls that are holding you back from God, you will be so much happier. You will be free. Trust in the Lord. He knows what He's doing.
