I have always had a bad habit of getting attached too quickly to people and things. At the same time I like being alone, and when people expect and ask for my constant attention I become overwhelmed. My brains instinct is to drop that person without hesitation or much thought, so it has never been particularly hard for me to let go. I personally see this as a weakness because I believed that the act of potentially hurting another person should be conscious and should lead from a bigger, deeper reason than "because they are annoying me".
I always knew that deep down the losses were adding up and they were silently creating damage. They were. I had times in my life when I did not have many friends. Dark times, when I found myself deep in depression wondering if anybody cared about me and if I even mattered.
I spent many years "salty" and upset, and at times, even wondering if I had a problem, if I WAS the problem, if I was wrong to give up on the friendship. Sleepless nights, wondering if I drove them away with my air of "independentness," If maybe I was being stubborn, questioning if I was a bad friend, asking what would have happened if I would have made more of an effort.
Now, I look back and I am glad I never gave up on myself and trusted my gut, because all of these people, I now realize, had served no purpose in my life, were not meant to be in it and if anything, losing them had made me stronger. My methods may not have been the best, but I look back on those relationships, and on the people that I lost and some pop up as good people I should reach out to, but most I don't feel that way about.
I SEEM very independent because I love being alone, in fact, there are times when I need it, but that does not mean that I do not need people, or that I do not get lonely. People often associate being independent with not needing anybody. Most people that pass through my life do not understand that. At first, it used to hurt when they gave up on trying to get my constant attention, but at the end of the day, the fact is that this is who I am, and I have learned to accept and love this person never minding who else did or didn't.
Through this process, I have learned to let go, and to not waste my time thinking about what could have been, because it just simply wasn't. I have learned to accept things as they are and find peace in realizing and truly believing that what is meant for me will find me, and will stay.
I am not saying it is easy and that it won't sometimes take a toll. I am not saying I do not need to work on my relationships. I am not telling you to stop making an effort to be there for the people you love, to stop talking to your friends and "see what happens", or to be like me and just drop people without thinking twice. I was probably just lucky all those years, and that is really not a good habit.
What I am trying to tell you is to first accept and love yourself as you are, to stop trying to please people, or change yourself to keep people in your life. I am telling you to not be scared to lose people or to let go of those that don't help you to be a better you, that do not add to your life, or that even take away from it, because in the end, all these people do is drain you of your happiness and life. You come first, always. I am telling you to trust that the right people will love you just as you are and will stick by you and understand you.
The key is not only in learning to let go but in not letting it affect you negatively. The key is in saying and truly meaning "You want to go? Go." There is a feeling of peace, sort of like being cleansed, that comes with being able to smile when somebody that is not meant to be in your life walks out, or in getting rid of the negative people in your life without hesitation because that in itself is an act of love towards yourself.
