When the worst nightmare you can ever imagine happens, your whole world stops. For many, thinking about losing their parent is this worst thing that can ever happen to them. However, many don't realize when it really happens how truly hard it is.
It’s all a blur looking back on it now. The memory of having to say goodbye to my mom forever still haunts me. The months following my mother’s death were the most difficult I have ever experienced.
When you lose a parent, you lose a part of yourself along with it. You lose your other half, the person who completes you.
This was the one person in my life who actually wanted to know how my day went, what I had for lunch, all of the small stuff. She cared for me like no other and now, in the blink of an eye, she was gone.
The first couple of days I wouldn't want to get out of bed. I would lay there, contemplating going to school, seeing my friends and being in the real world. I would think, No one has any idea what I’m going through.
Later on, I realized people did actually know. I realized that when you go through a death so unexpectedly and suddenly, you feel isolated.
I even wished it happened to anyone else but her. There were nights where I would lay awake not getting any sleep at all, but the nights I did get sleep, I had nightmares of her in the hospital. The daytime and nighttime, she was all I could think about. It overtook my mind and I ultimately felt defeated.
I went through a lot after her passing. Some try to define the stages of grief in steps, but everyone experiences the death of a close loved one differently. For me, the first thing I went through was denial. I was in complete shock of what had just happened, and there were certain times when I convinced myself it wasn’t true. I would still think that she was still here, still a quick phone call way. I had her old voicemails left on my phone, but I wanted more. I refused to accept the truth and I was angry.
I would make up scenarios in my head on what we would do if she was still here. I would tell myself that I’d cherish every moment we would have, admitting that I took them for granted in the past. I would tell her about everything that’s happened since her passing. Passing my license test. Getting into college.
I desired to take her for a ride and tell her all about my classes, new friends and experiences I’ve had in and out of college in the whole year and a half that she’s been gone.
There were times when I felt guilty. I would think to myself, if only I were there during her time of need, none of this would have happened. I was looking for answers, but in the meantime I was blaming myself. Thoughts such as, “What if I did this instead?” or “If only I had done this,” hovered over my mind as I felt the need and desire to find an explanation.
It took me a while to understand that it wasn't my fault, that there were no symptoms I should have been aware of, and that there was no way I could have prevented her from dying. I’ve learned that when you lose someone so dear to your heart you tend to blame yourself, but only because you wish you had the power to bring them back.
What I'm going through right now is acceptance. It's taken me almost a year and a half to get to this point, and I’ve learned that that’s okay. Her past birthday when she wasn’t here was especially hard, and all of the following will be too, along with Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving and especially Mother’s Day. Every holiday and important day that she was always there for and made special now just seems a bit emptier.
I’ve come to terms with the permanent reality of her absence. I’m not “over it” and I never will be. I just hope one day we can be reunited again.
The stages of grief certainly do not apply to everyone. However, the pain is inevitable. “Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal, but love leaves a memory no one can steal.” I'm fortunate to have so many memories with my mom, and I'm glad that they will last a lifetime.
