On February 5, 2014, I lost my dad to cancer. It still shocks me and pangs at my heart as I write those words. When I write them or say them aloud, it becomes real. For a long time, I willed myself to not think about what happened in detail because it hurt. The kind of hurt where you can physically feel a part of your heart breaking right inside your chest. I have come to loathe the month of January and February because those months bring up feelings I keep buried inside the rest of the year. I relive the events of the days leading up to my dad’s death and it’s horrifying. I’m still figuring out how to make it better.
For people who didn’t know me well at my school, I was “the girl whose dad had cancer” and after my dad passed away, I was “the girl whose dad died.” People would give me sympathetic looks and say “I’m so sorry” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” It’s hard living in a world where almost nobody knows what you’re going through. In their defense, I know they didn’t know what to say to me. I know almost nobody my own age who has lost a parent, and I often feel that nobody understands.
When I lost my parent, I discovered that it is hard for every person who knew them. The other parent has to learn how to be a single parent and raise their child(ren) on their own when they never imagined they’d need to, the friends of that parent are required to learn how to live without that special person in their lives, and it goes on and on.
SO, I am writing this for all the people in my life who wanted to understand and help so badly when I was going through the hardest time in my life. This is for you. But, this is also for the people who have lost a parent and for those who are lucky enough to have never experienced it…so they can try to understand.
This is the truth about losing a parent. (the things I feel are most important.)
It’s hard…and it hurts.
I feel as though that’s a given, but it needs to be said. Losing a parent is confusing, it hurts, and it’s hard. You’ve gone your entire life with your parent being there to pick you up when you’re down, and then in an instant, it’s taken away. One of the people who taught you how to walk and go through life is no longer there. You’re left with nothing but memories and the things they left you with. You’re sad, you’re angry, and you feel like your world will never be the same. I don’t think anybody understands how much it hurts unless they’ve experienced it for themselves. How could they? They’ve never had to permanently say goodbye to one of the people that raised them…they couldn’t possibly understand. It’s okay if people don’t understand, and it isn’t okay to be angry with them when they don’t. I, of course, realized this much later than I should have. Remember that the people in your life want to help you in any way they can, you just have to show them how sometimes
It doesn’t hit you all at once
The second that they take their last breath is not the moment you feel devastated by the loss of your parent. In the moment, it doesn’t feel like it’s actually happening. I feel when people pass away, everyone expects you to immediately feel completely heartbroken for a while and then move through your grief. Well, they are wrong. There is no timeline for grief. The way I can best describe it is like you’re watching a car accident, you're conscious of what’s happening, and you want to look away and forget but you can’t.
At first, it feels like they’re just going to be gone for a while and they’ll be coming back home. The moment you realize that they’re gone, that they’re not actually coming home…that’s when you feel it. You feel in full force the fact that you’re never going to be able to hug, talk to them, or see their smile ever again. It’s an earth-shattering and heart-breaking realization, and I feel losing a parent as you’re about to hit some big milestones in your life only amplifies that. Realizing your parent won’t be there to see you graduate, go off to college, or get engaged is terrifying. This is what they’re supposed to be there for what's supposed to make raising a child all worth it in the end. What really gets to me is the fact that my dad won’t be there to walk me down the aisle, or dance to the song “Hallelujah” with me as I had always planned. As you move through life and pass these milestones come and go, you can only wish with all your heart that your parent was there. These are the moments when it hits you the most when you find yourself looking around seeing all the people so proud of you and you only want to see one person.
You also feel it when you’re not even expecting to feel it. Sometimes when you’re not even feeling sad at all. Like when your friends post photos with their parent or talk about the trip they took with their parent over the summer. When you glance at a photo from before all of this happened, when everything was good and everyone was happy. It hits you out of nowhere and it comes in waves. You could be having a really good day or a really good month and then you’ll have a week of bad days. It’s a continuous cycle that I have yet to get used to.
--- I’ve always known that I cry at inappropriate times. I end up crying when I’m not supposed to instead of crying when everyone expects me to. I just want to say that everyone handles grief and loss in their own way, so don’t let anyone tell you how you’re supposed to feel and how you’re supposed to show those feelings. There is no “correct” way to grieve. Everything you are feeling is the right thing to feel.
You learn a lot about yourself
Losing a parent calls for you to become more independent to some degree. You have to learn to do the things your parent used to do for you and take care of yourself in one way or another. It also causes you to look around you and inside yourself. You evaluate situations differently than you used to. You learn how you react to emotional situations and traumatic ones as well. You’ll figure out that some of the company you’re keeping aren't right for you, and you’ll get rid of a lot of toxic things in your life.
You’ll also realize that you’re stronger that you ever thought you could be. People have said it to you probably more times than you can count, ”you’re so strong.” You nod your head, you accept what they are saying to you but you never believe it. You don’t realize how strong you are until you have no other choice. (I know that there’s a quote that says that but it is true.) You don’t truly realize how strong you are as a human being until you are in the “after” of a situation, in this case losing your parent. Going on with your life, putting on a smile, doing what you were raised to do after you’ve lost a parent makes you strong. At times, it definitely doesn’t feel that way, but trust me, you are. You are stronger than you think and you will surprise yourself with what you can do.
You find out who your friends are
As I mentioned before, going through something like this causes us to reevaluate who we choose to spend our time with. Life feels so much shorter than we once thought it was. All I can say is that through any experience like this one, you really find out who is truly there for you. These people are not the ones saying sorry to you, or treating you differently than they did before. These are the people that ask you how you’re handling things. The ones that try to get you out of the house to help take your mind off of life for a moment. These are the ones that cry with you. Friends are so important, and having a healthy support system is crucial in any time, but especially a time like this.
That being said, don’t be afraid to cut people off that are not making the situation easier. Friendship is not selfish and if you have toxic relationships get rid of them. You do not need them. You need to do what you feel is right for you, and that is okay.
There is so much more I could say, but I’ll end with this: Losing a parent changes your life. It changes who you are as a person. Life is never the same after they are gone, but we learn how to live without them even if we never thought we could. If you’ve lost a parent, remember to do what makes you feel better. Do what works for you because in the end, that’s all you can do. Do what makes you happy. Lastly, remember you’re not alone in what you’re feeling.
“I don’t know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn’t.”
“That never really goes away.”
- -Grey’s Anatomy.
