No one can prepare you for what it feels like to lose a loved one. No one will be able to understand the unbearable pain you’re going through unless they’ve been there. It’s not something you can explain. It’s something you never wish upon anyone else. It’s easy to let the depression consume you and take self-pity. Losing someone in your life is never easy.
November 15, 2014: I was a junior in high school not really stressing over anything besides cheerleading, boys, and school. The day passed by like any other with several laughs, smiles and various emotions. I was helping out at school for the upcoming drama production and hanging out with friends. I remember coming home later that afternoon, seeing my dad on the couch laughing and watching TV and my mom asking me to go eat dinner with some of my family. My dad recently had surgery, so he wasn't able to go. When we got home, I was no longer the girl with two parents. I was just the girl with a selfless loving mother.
When my father passed, I realized that everyone around me kept going about their day like usual. Life didn't just stop because my dad passed away. It kept moving and going on even though I was stuck not knowing what to do. The phrase, “it’s okay and it gets easier,” was often heard throughout my day. Honestly, that’s probably the worst thing to ever tell a grieving person. I know people mean well when they say this but it doesn't help-- it just hurts.
I spent a great deal of my time the first few months processing his death and wondering what was going on. I didn't know how to make it throughout the day. At night, I would lay awake in bed processing it all and holding back silent tears. Some school days I could make it without breaking down, but others would be tough. While everyone else was figuring out who their prom dates were or what dress they were going to wear, I was in a star-struck state missing my dad more and more every day. That year was filled with many “firsts.”
The first holidays without him, no more wake-up calls in the morning, no more breakfast dates, no more calls or voicemails, no more birthdays, no more soccer Saturdays, no more McDonalds Sundays, no more antique roadshow and mostly, not having his unconditional love, support and bear hugs. When you have parents that love you unconditionally, it’s so easy to take it for granted. You don't know it is even there until it’s gone. It wasn't until after a year that I realized how tough it was going to be. During my senior year of high school, I realized he wouldn’t be there for senior walkout at prom, senior night for soccer, or my high school graduation. All the small little things you look forward to growing up just brought a sour, bitter taste to my mouth.
Since then, he hasn’t been here for my first day of college nor was he able to sit in the stands as I play collegiate soccer. He won’t be helping me weigh the pros and cons of the decisions for the rest of my college career, watch my last soccer game, see me graduate, or help me decide what law school I want to go to. He won’t be here when I fall in love or be there to walk my down the aisle. But all that is looking into the future, brings me into a teary state of mind. It saddens me to think of being excited about all these monumental experiences and knowing it won’t feel “right.” There is always going to be a void in my heart when everything happens. A piece of me will be broken and never whole. It’s never going to feel the same anymore.
Honestly, losing someone isn't just coming to terms and realizing that they're gone forever. It’s laying in bed at night not being able to sleep because of the pain and sadness. It’s holding back tears when a certain song comes on, walking into their favorite restaurant, or a certain smell. It’s thinking about something and forgetting for .5 seconds that they’re not there anymore. It’s going out and searching for something or someone to fill the void in your life. It’s becoming more attached and affectionate. It’s hard to let go. It’s trying to find love to replace theirs, then being devastated when you realize you can’t.
It’s analyzing everything you say. It’s scrolling through your phone and seeing their contact name. It’s looking back on old photos thinking about how everything would be different if they were still alive. It’s constantly worrying about everything. The thought of losing someone else it too much to bare. It’s constantly praying and looking for signs that things will get better and that their still here. It’s finally seeing your worth and putting yourself first before offering anything to someone else. It’s questioning everything you’re doing in life. It’s asking yourself every day when you wake up and go to bed, will this ever get better?
Without my mother, family, friends and community I wouldn’t have survived the last two years. My mother has sacrificed her whole life and would do absolutely anything for me. I have friends back home that have been there since the very beginning. It’s having college friends that understand your pain and depression and are willing to stay up with you till 3 am to let you cry on their shoulder or scream at the top of your lungs. I have people constantly surrounding me who make my days better whenever I need it. It’s just nobody can replace a parent’s love. A part of who I am died when they died. Some days are better than others and I have definitely come a long way in the past two years but I know I have so much further to go. I’m so much stronger now. I’ve learned to grow up and change since losing my dad. There are days where I am back to phase one and I have a breakdown but it’s normal. But I have learned it’s okay not to be okay. No one is perfect. Life isn't perfect. There is beauty in the breakdown.
Never take anyone in your life for granted. Everything in your life at this very second can be taken away at any moment. You aren't promised anything. Learn to love life, appreciate the little things, know your worth, be more daring and adventurous, go out of your way more, never be mad at someone before you go to bed, call your parents and tell them you love them, and most importantly find out who you are beneath the surface. I will carry the loss of my father around for the rest of my life, but I will live each day to the fullest and never regret anything I do because you may not be there tomorrow.
