Losing Your First Grandparent

Losing Your First Grandparent

Happy birthday grandma.
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This past week was an emotional week for me. This was the week I was going to dread. I just wanted it to be over. A few days ago, it was my late grandmothers' birthday.

Growing up, I only had three living grandparents because my grandfather, from my dads side of the family, passed before my parents even met. Because I knew that one day I would live through the death of one of my remaining grandparents, the process was 10 times worse.

My grandmother Lina was one of the strongest women I knew. When my mother, her siblings, and her parents came from Sicily over 50 years ago, my grandmother made it her mission to one day buy a house. Then, 16 years later she did just that. She wasn't the type of woman to just give up. She worked hard for what she wanted.

When she got sick this past February, I was at school. My boyfriend actually stayed overnight since he was visiting from his school. My mom texted him saying what happened and that when I woke up to bring me to the hospital. Earlier that morning, my grandmother had a mild heart attack and wound up getting congestive heart failure.

Seeing her in the hospital was the scariest thing. She had never been sick in her life. She was only in the hospital one other time in her life a few years back for an infection on her finger. I heard stories of people getting sick with congestive heart failure and them living for years with it. We all got our hopes up.

For a whole month, she was fighting. She got better and was brought to rehab for a week until water was getting around her lungs and was brought back to the hospital. The doctors did a procedure to get the water out which worked until liquid got inside her lungs. They would have to put her on a machine and she refused. So when she made her decision, we knew we had limited time with her.

A few days before her passing, I was flying out to visit my boyfriend for spring break. I told her I would be back and said, "You better be here when I'm back," and she just smiled and nodded her head through her oxygen mask. Three days later she passed.

Losing her was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Especially because I wasn't there with the rest of my family. I came back the very next day and the wake was a couple days later. I even gave the eulogy at her funeral. And every day since, has been worse and worse. But I know that she wouldn't want me to sulk. She would want me to live my life. ANY grandparent would.

So, happy belated 91st birthday grandma Lina. I love you so much, and miss you everyday.

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Best Friend Every Girl Should Be Blessed Enough To Have

You definitely deserve all the love.

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I have not written this letter, but it has been on my list of "to write" for forever. She keeps asking when I will write one about her and every time I tell her, soon.

Well here it is. The truth on why it took so long? No words seem to do everything justice. No matter how I put them or how I want them to sound, the page always makes them look weird and they always sound lame.

But finally, here it is. Best friend, this one is for you.

First and foremost I will start with a holy cow. We have been best friends for only a short time because who knew your "in school friend" from all those math classes would actually turn into this? We put off hanging out outside of school for years, and finally, after suffering through all that algebra we decided enough was enough.

I wish we had sooner.

I wish I had gotten more time with you before we both moved away to college - but ill take whatever time I get with you because well… you're incredible.

Thank you.

Thank you for finally agreeing to hang out with me.

Thank you for listening to every rant ever - whether it was a paragraph long text, a 2 hour FaceTime call or an hour-long car ride.

Thank you for ordering planners with me and spending nights decorating them with me (we are such losers).

Thank you for letting me become a part of your family.

Thank you for going to Friendly's, IHOP and Target at the most ungodly hours.

Thank you for encouraging me in everything I do, and stopping me from making bad decisions.

Thank you for telling me the truth, despite if it hurt me or not, I know now you will never lie about your feelings towards someone (LOL).

Basically, thank you for everything you have done for me. You have made me a better person and you encourage me to be my best self every single day.

Moving on I want to make it clear how incredibly proud of you I am. I love getting texts from you about your love for your classes, and how you want to be president of this club and president of that. How you help out kids, and how you host events. I love hearing about your major and the classes you are so incredibly excited to take. Watching you be so passionate about what you are doing and becoming makes me want to feel the same way in everything I do.

I hope someday my kids are your students because, in your hands, I know they can change the world.

Last but not least, I love you. And you're stuck with me.

Love,

Your forever number one fan

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