My therapist says I'm not allowed to

"What if"

She says to live in the present

She says to remember how far I've come

And that's great,

But

What If the paranoid thoughts win

Again?

And I don't know what is going on and

Scary things happen

Again

and I am not in control,

Again?

What if no one cares I am in

Graduate school and

am strong, articulate, intelligent, brave, and resilient?

What if all of our planning

and the meds

and the support doesn't matter

And I am not in control

AGAIN?

What if the flawed, broken, biased, system

Continues to see my medical condition as a threat when I am sick?

What if with proper treatment and support

I can help others like me

But never get the chance because people hear mental illness and

Immediately cease to see me as human?

And that I am not in control.

What if I change the

FUCKING BROKEN SYSTEM that sees me as broken

Because I refuse to be seen as broken?

What if I take control?

What if I refuse to let people be stigmatized

And refuse to let people be silenced?

People with mental illness deserve better.

What if I won't let up until I

Change the system for the better?

Maybe that means

I am in control

At least, of myself.