My dad died on May 3, 2018. I was 20 years old. It's been about 7 months and there is something that I have been noticing.

When he first died, everything around me was so different. Everything I did wrong had a reason. People in my life cut me so much slack. I handed in assignments late and still got full credit, I screwed over my friends and they forgave me, I drank a little too much, I made a relationship ruining mistake and my boyfriend looked past it. There were so many things that happened directly following my dad's passing that would not have been 'allowed' or 'excused' if the circumstances were different. All of this was great, and I appreciate every person in my life for sticking by me as I went through this terrible time. But then I got "better".

Or so it seemed.

I am still not okay. Scratch that, actually, I never will be okay again. It just seems like some people will never understand that. People do not understand that this event has effected every aspect of my life. So here's some advice to the friends and family of anyone who has had a traumatic loss in their life:

1) Try not to mention your loved one too much, at least for a while. Every time someone even mentions their father, it feels like someone is punching me in the gut. Any little reminder of my father phases me, especially if it comes unexpectedly. Even worse than that is when someone complains about their father. The only thing going through my head is, "I wish my dad was alive so I can complain about him". Maybe this is something I personally have to work on, but it hits me hard every time.

2) Please, don't ever, ever, mention the services of your friend's loved one as a casual conversation. I don't care how relevant it is to the conversation. Don't do it. Even a casual, "Remember after your dad's funeral when 'this or that' funny thing happened" Nope. Do not do it. It is not funny because now all we are thinking about is one of the worst days of our lives. Do not use it as a time reference, either. "Yeah remember, they started seeing each other like two weeks after your dad's funeral" Please do not use one of the worst days of our lives as a reference in time.

3) Please continue to cut us a little bit of slack. I get it, you can't cut us slack forever but when did the passing of our loved one stop being a legitimate excuse? I should be able to say "sorry, I can't hang out today, it's a bad day" But I can't. Some people who haven't been through a traumatic loss in their lives do not know the concept of "bad days" because they are so very different than a normal "bad day". I'm sorry I can't talk to you today, or do not want to talk to you today. Please stop thinking it is your fault.

4) I'm sorry if we upset or annoy you whenever we want to know that you got home okay, or if we want you to see a doctor if you're sick, or if we constantly ask you if you're okay. There was a point in our lives when someone we loved very much was not okay.

5) Lastly, don't get upset with us for changing. Something like this changes a person. It changed me. I'm sorry if we're too blunt now, spend more time by ourselves or have new interests or hobbies. We are now different people and have a reasoning behind everything we do. I promise.

Trust me, we get it. Death is awkward. Death is sad. No one knows what to do when someone dies. I'm just saying that when someone close to you dies, everyone around you changes. Then suddenly you blink and they are normal again, almost as if they forgot what happened to you. But you are not normal again, because there is no such thing. Please keep these points in mind when dealing with your loved one who has suffered a loss, because it makes a world of difference. We will never be 100% okay again.