How or where do I even begin to write about something that doesn't even seem possible. I have tried to process it a million times, but it never makes sense and there's no clarity found. So many questions I ask myself over and over. Hoping somehow I'll figure out the answers. I play the day I heard the news over and over again in my head trying to make sure it really happened. It can't be. Not him. It would never be him.
The you I knew was the light of every room you stepped into. You were the rock when I was weak. You were my out-of-tune singing partner that didn't care if the world watched as he danced around. You were the guy that snorted so loud every time he laughed, it made everyone else laugh. I can still hear it.
I know over the years we got busy and life drifted us apart, but I was always cheering you on from afar.
I should have said something.
The memories we have together keep flooding back. You're everywhere. In a song, in a show, in clothes, in logos. Things I saw a hundred times since the last time we spoke that never failed to make me think of you.
I should have said something.
Would it have changed anything ?
The “what ifs” race through my head all day. I'm sorry I didn't say it to you more, but I was so proud of you. I'm sorry that while you kept everyone strong you were fighting your own battle alone, not to burden anyone I'm sure. I'm sorry that I didn't do a good enough job in telling you just how much you mattered to me and how much you truly impacted my life for years. I'm sorry that I took you for granted thinking you'd always be there when I needed you, but wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry I let time pass without making an effort.
I'm sorry.
I know the I'm sorry's can't fix anything now, and if I had the chance to say anything to you, it wouldn't be I'm sorry.
I'd say thank you. Thank you for making me laugh so hard my stomach hurt. Thank you for those amazing hugs after the worst day. Thank you for just being there- no talking, just laying in bed as a comfort holding the pieces of my brokenness together. Thank you for never turning down being my shot gun rider for trips home. Thank you for constantly making fun of me. Thank you for shrugging off my bad days and attitude (but let's be real your attitude was something else, too.) Thank you for never failing to make me feel loved, beautiful, and worthy. Thank you for your sappy birthday posts. Thank you for spending hours crying over shows with me we were too emotionally attached to. Thank you for filling my car with awful singing and bad dance moves. Thank you for completely changing my life.
And finally, I'd tell you how much I truly love you. How much I need you. How much everyone has praised the man you were. I'd tell you that I hate this world without you because it's feels smaller somehow.
The pain is heavy. In one moments' relief I try to breath, but it falls right back on me again. It's like a never ending bad dream and I wish I could wake up. Wishing and if only's have no power here, but God does. I pray daily that you found peace. I pray that your family is surrounded by God's love and comfort. When nothing else makes sense, I know God is faithful. There are a thousand questions I have. But the only answer I have is: God is faithful. He is greater than my best days, and patient in my worst. He gives a peace that I can't understand, but it surrounds me and soothes me when I have lost all control.
You're always in my heart.
