This past Tuesday, as I was having my annual wine and cheese night -- which usually consist of my roommates and I drinking Boxed Fanzia out of Solo cups and eating Kraft select cheese slices -- a romantic flick popped up: “How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days.” As I watched the movie unravel, I kept thinking to myself, why is she waiting 10 friggin' days! I could lose someone in 10 minutes if I really wanted to. Sometimes, the second I open my mouth to say hello to the opposite sex, I am immediately slapped in the face. But, hey, that’s life.
In college and everyday life, people are forced into awkward dating situations, meet and greets and setups from friends, in hopes to find you the single one -- a significant other. Sometimes, these awkward setups turn out great and blossom into long lasting relationships. However, most of the time, it is a waste of time for both parties. The date is usually drug out, one person is clearly more interested, and meanwhile the other is swiping right on Tinder. For this less interested person, you’re in a sticky situation. You don’t want to be rude, but you don’t want to give that person the wrong idea. The dignified solution is to look that person in the eye and tell them, “ I just don’t think this is going to lead to anything,” and call it a night.
Well, our society just doesn’t work like that. So, why not have some fun with it. The next time you find yourself getting forced to go on a date you agreed to the night before when you were railing Saki bombs, follow these five steps and I guarantee you, it will be the shortest date of your damn life.
Before you read any further and I am universally hated by the female population -- I do not condone of these five steps.
1. Pre-game.
Pre-game is one of the most popular things in society, today. People love to get a little buzz to get that extra liquid courage. This applies to the dating world. Often, people enjoy a cocktail or two before they set out on the glorious date. For this date you are, oh, so dreading you’re going to need more than two cocktails to fully allow your date to experience you. If you truly want to make this date short, and certainly not sweet, this pre-game should be an invitation to revisit your 21st birthday. If you’re reading this and haven’t had your 21st birthday, let me tell you, it’s not pretty. You undoubtedly slobber, throw up, pee and call your ex gf/bf -- guaranteed.
Start the night off by downing a bottle of SKOL vodka, $7.99. That will get you in the perfect mindset for your glorious evening that lies ahead. Since you’ve downed a bottle of that sweet nectar, your driving capabilities have swanned dived out the window. You’re going to need a ride there.
Traditionally, the man should always pick the women up, and I truly think that is how it should be, however, not on this particular night. Convince your wonderful date to pick you up. Upon arrival, if your date can't figure out from the context clues above, make it an absolute point to let your date know you are absolutely hammered. Upon arrival, stumble into her car and breathe very heavily on her just so she knows you’ve been drinking. On your way to the date, bring a flask in the car and continue to pull whiskey, or whatever your poison of choice is. While you're waiting to arrive at your destination, do some odd gestures, just so your date thinks you’re an absolute creep. Perhaps howl to the moon uncontrollably, bark loudly, flap your wings like a bird, and mock her apparel -- whatever it takes. Just make sure your date is solely convinced you’re an absolute savage and she knows what kind of night she has in store for her. If you perform even one of these degenerate items listed, your date will be running to the door quicker than a stripper on a pile of dollar bills.
2. Continue excess drinking.
By the time you are all liquid lubricated and ready to venture on your date, the fun doesn’t stop at the pre-game. You must continue your excess drinking to allow you date to fully experience the full effect. As you sit down at the dinner table, order two shots of tequila right away. Her initial reaction will be, “Thank you so much!” Simply reply, “I wasn’t ordering for you.” Every five minutes, or so, continue to take excess shots -- alone, not including her. She will not only feel awkward, but think you are an absolute monster. Don’t forget the flask you brought. Remember when you're drinking at the table to spill your drinks, slur your words, pee under the table and just anything you think that will send her running to the hills -- do it.
3. Slob it up.
The main course of a date, the climax if you will is the actual meal. Usually when you go on a date, you try to eat something light and clean. This rule doesn’t apply to this date. Order something filling, messy that makes you appear down right disgusting. Order something like ribs with greasy potato skins. Forget silverware, use your shirt as a napkin, and chew with your mouth open. Any southern manners you may have learned will be forgotten on this night. To top it off, maybe hit on the waitress while you’re at it. If she hasn’t left the date by now, this should do the trick.
4. Forget your wallet.
When going on a date, I firmly believe a man should pay for the meal and everything else. However, once again, on this particular night, forget any morals you may have had previously. If your date hasn’t gotten her ex-boyfriend to come beat the crap out of you by now, after this step, this is definitely in your future. Forget you wallet at home, or better yet, bring an expired credit card. I have a great friend who is notorious for doing this; maybe you know him? Jake Bornstein.
As the waitress brings you the check, slide that check right over to your date, give her a nod and say, “I'll get the next one babe.” I assume this girl is long gone by now, but if for some reason she’s stuck around, having her pay for the nightmare of a date will ensure there won't be one in the future.
5. The ride home.
Since she drove you to the date, she has to drive you home. Odds are, she’ll have you take a cab, but let's think hypothetical for this scenario. As you sway and swerve out to her car, make sure to let out a solid puke before entering, just to give a little trailer of what the car ride home will be like. Blast some Juicy J, T-Swift or -- hell -- throw some old Nickleback songs on and sing uncontrollably like a drunken freshman girl at her first Kegger. Before you reach your destination, pass out in the passenger seat; pass out uncontrollably where she can’t wake you up. Your date is now forced to awkwardly get your roommates to carry you inside. Make it a struggle to get you in. Before your safely escorted inside, lean in for that good night kiss, customary on a traditional date. Expect a hard slap, firm punch or a swift kick to the balls. It’s safe to assume you’ll never hear from this broad again.
Now, I’ve never done anything close to this -- nor do I plan on it -- but it's safe to say if you ever wanted to ensure there’s no second date, this offensive five-step process will do the trick.
