I see friends in the hall and smile, laugh at lunch and tell myself it's all okay; but the moment I leave and make the walk back to my room I get an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, reminding me I am lonely. I know I am not alone. I have so many loved ones and people who care about me. Yet, I still feel very, very lonely.
In college, it is hard to process that one would feel lonely or alone, since there are people everywhere and most have a few friends. And I do have friends. I have great friends. But for some reason, I always felt a distance between me and others, and I felt like no one was there for me. I fought with myself, thinking that there was something wrong with me for being on my own instead of with others.
I think it comes down to one thing that I have finally acknowledged. Freshman year I dated someone for most of the year and always had him by my side. He was great to me and someone I trusted 100% and could confide in and could rely on. When I lost that, I lost myself. It was hard for me to accept that there could be someone else I could trust like I trusted him, and I felt that he was the only one I could go to. This past year, things significantly changed with the breakup, and ultimately ruined who we were to eachother. Someone I thought would be there for me wasn’t, so in turn I felt unloved and uncared for, even though I had so many others that would drop what they were doing to be there for me. The hurt outweighed the reality and in turn I felt alone. I had been without a significant other for most of my life, so I just assumed the transition would be an easy one. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been, and it has taken a serious toll on who I am.
I was always someone who was happy to be on their own, reading a book or listening to music. I never felt like there was something wrong with being in my room for some down time and doing homework. This year I thought none of that. Even doing classwork in my room felt lonely, like I should have someone there. I would look around my room wondering what has happened to me, why can’t I just be okay with being on my own. I always felt like others didn’t feel the same as I did, which added to the stress.
I know I wasn’t alone in the sense others think, but I was. Something was missing, something not easy to retain. I lost myself this past year, and have been trying to find her. I don’t know where she is, but I know that is why I have been feeling this way. I turned to the outside world to find happiness, instead of finding it within myself. I hope to find her soon and regain my sense of confidence, strength, and courage, but for now, I am lonely. I have accepted that, and by facing it I believe it will help me in my journey to find the girl I was, the girl who believed in herself and didn’t need others to validate her.
