I Have A BF, But I Still Haven't Found A BFF
Start writing a post

I Have A BF, But I Still Haven't Found A BFF

I've found my person, but I haven't found my people.

I Have A BF, But I Still Haven't Found A BFF

"I'm just looking for my best friend," I sobbed into my boyfriend's chest one summer night.

"I think she's out there," he soothed. "And I bet she's looking for you too."

Even as it happened, I was thinking about how it was a bizarre reversal of the relationship anxiety experienced by most of my peers: Instead of crying to my friends that I would never find love, I was crying to my love that I would never find friends.

My boyfriend and I had been together for nearly five years at that point, since the second week of ninth grade. Now, we were going to separate colleges in the same city, and right then, we were home, in his house that was further from my house than his dorm had been from my dorm.

My boyfriend was and is my best friend. I mean that in the way that all close couples do: we tell each other everything, cheer each other through the good and support each other through the bad, and choose to share most of our life experiences.

But as much as I love him, and as much as I would never trade my situation for anything, I ache for platonic love. For a best friend in a more traditional sense. A BFF. A bestie. A girl, probably, someone close to my age and personality who is available for roaming bookstores and sharing inside jokes.

Pop culture would lead me to believe that every girl has one true best friend. But I've never gotten one of those.

As a military kid, I moved every couple of years throughout my childhood. Any friendships I made along the way dissolved under the pressure of distance and time, a process I mostly considered inevitable. The one time I did try to hold on, the friendship imploded instead of slipping quietly into the past.

In high school, after my family had finally settled in one place, I had a solid, stable group of friends I loved very much. But it was a group, full of people between which to split my attention and time. The mythical one true best friend, the effortlessly favorite friend who effortlessly chose me as her favorite, did not exist for me.

So when I went to college, I began to look for her.

But I struggled to make any friends, much less such a central one. I had near misses, people who floated into my life and floated back out again. I had and still have, friendly acquaintances. But I don't have close friends. And I don't think any of this is my fault, ultimately; friendship is a game of chance, of being lucky enough to bump into someone whose identity is an inverse puzzle piece of yours.

It's a lot like romance, that way. It's about who you meet. And that's out of your control.

You can try to artificially boost the odds in both cases. However, although there is limited online "dating" for meeting friends—and I have tried it—there are overall not nearly as many opportunities designed for friend-finding as for date-finding. No singles mixers or speed dating or getting sent to dinner by mutual friends—at least not as society-wide practices.

As a culture, we just don't have established rituals for friendship-building as we have for dating. Everyone knows what the path between exchanging names and exchanging phone numbers looks like when that path leads to marriage or sex. Not everyone knows how to navigate that path, and it's not necessarily an easy path. But it's mapped out for us by past generations, by the media, by social expectations.

The route to friendship is murkier—even though it's really not so different from the romance version.

Is it weird to ask someone to eat with you if you mean it in a friendly way? Do you have to specify that it's purely friendly? Is it okay to say that you really enjoy someone's company and want to get to know them further? Can you schedule a time to meet solely for that purpose, the way dates so automatically function in romantic relationships?

Why do we have so many more guiding principles for dating than for friendships?

Perhaps it's because our society places an undue emphasis on finding romantic companionship at the expense of all other kinds of love. Or maybe it's because friendship is considered easier to find or more common than romance because most people have many more friends than serious romantic partners throughout their lives.

But plenty of people have difficulty making friends.

We just don't talk about friend-making woes as often or in the same way as we talk about dating woes.

And as someone who already has a committed romantic partner but not a platonic best friend, it's disorienting, because I feel like I'm doing life backward. I've found my person, but I haven't found my people.

This is not how I assumed this would go.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

"Schitt's Creek" has quickly become an absolute fan favorite in the US and Canada and their seven wins at the Emmy Awards last night proves just that.

Keep Reading... Show less

Just when we thought 2020 couldn't get any more unpredictable, we find out that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has died at 87 of complications from pancreatic cancer.

Regardless of where you might stand politically, you can't deny that the was a very honorable woman, who has accomplished a lot in her lifetime. Writing majority opinions for many cases such as United States v. Virginia, and Olmstead v. L.C., she has paved the way for many women, showing that no matter what obstacles stand in your way, you can achieve your goals.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

Coronavirus, The Arizona State Legislature, And The 2020 Election

The Arizona State Legislature might shift its majority in the House and Senate come 2021.


Arizona State Senator Martín Quezada spoke today on legislative changes that may occur in 2021 due to the possibility of Arizona becoming a bipartisan state.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

I Asked 27 People What Positive Things Happened To Them Despite The Pandemic, And Their Answers Are Inspiring

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." - Martin Luther King Jr.


Let's be real: COVID SUCKS! So many events have been ruined and not being able to see friends and families really blows. But, I reached out to people and asked if anyone had anything positive happen for them despite the pandemic and I got so many answers!!! Here are a few that were shared with me!

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

RBG Just Passed Away, And Trump Is Already Jumping At The Chance To Replace Her

I think it's a worse time than ever to put another conservative on the Supreme Court.


Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, otherwise known as RBG, sadly passed away Friday, September 18 after a battle with metastatic pancreatic cancer. This woman was tough, no doubts about that. This was her fifth — yes, you read that correctly — bout with cancer over the span of two decades.

Keep Reading... Show less
Paramount Pictures

From the iconic one-liners to the Plastics themselves, "Mean Girls" has gained a cult following of millions of fans.

Since its birth 16 years ago, the movie has expanded into a whole empire consisting of a sequel, pop vinyls, and even a Broadway musical.

Keep Reading... Show less

What 'Grey's Anatomy' Character You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Are you ambitious like Cristina? Devoted like April? Find out below!


Scroll through to find out which character from the famous medical drama suits you best.

Keep Reading... Show less

I didn't believe the notification when it came through to my phone: Ruth Bader Ginsburg had died from complications due to cancer.

Keep Reading... Show less

By now, I'm pretty sure we can all agree that 2020 has been a rollercoaster ride of a year. Luckily, we are almost at the end (thank God!)!

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am Chandler Bing almost to a T, which is why I thought it would be fun to pick out some of his one-liners that explain this year all too well.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments