It truly was the perfect night. I was cozy in bed, I had just watched the new episode of True Detective, and my mom had made me some hot cocoa. Aside from a bad monologue from Colin Farrell, this night was basically an ace in the hole when it came to being blissfully perfect. Then, I heard the noise more painful and shrill than the fake camera noise the iPhone makes when someone around you just took a picture. It's a mosquito, locked and loaded to drink your blood. Culiseta longiareolata, the worst pest in the animal kingdom. Many a child will ask their local religious official why a god who loves us would make a small, blood sucking beast that rings in our ear all night. I, myself, have come across too many of these beasts to keep my experiences bottled up in my brain. My struggles must be revealed to the world.

I don't take lightly to mosquitos. I took off my sleeping cap, and put on a red bandana that resembled the one Sylvester Stallone wore in Rambo: First Blood. After wasting time by doing this, I went out and grabbed a copy of one of the most prestigious newspapers in America, The Odyssey . This would be my weapon, as the Odyssey is the perfect size for my swing of stamina, endurance, and rage. Now it was time to stakeout like Emilio Estavez did in his film, The Stakeout. I pretended to go to sleep. Before I knew it, I head the buzzing. Before the mosquito knew it, I jumped up, charged for the light, and flicked the switch. “Nowhere to hide little man” is along the lines of what I grunted and I jumped and put down the paper like it was Thor’s hammer. Without getting into too much detail, the entrails of the mosquito plastered the paper like a fountain of stolen fluids. The deed was done, and I was now king of the jungle.

The mosquito itself kills over 725,000 people a year, making it the most deadly animal on the planet. But there’s good news: unlike other deadly animals, we can smash this bastard.

I think all the animals can agree mosquitos suck. Even the animals who eat mosquitos must prefer other disgusting bugs, making them the Arby’s of the animal food chain. Whenever a mosquito is close by, frogs sitting on their lily pads must think to themselves, “damn, is that what everybody REAAAALLY wants?” Other bugs must look at mosquitos the same way we look at Dracula. Flies and larvae all over the world tell each other stories of how mini-garlic and splinters can be used to kill those haunting mosquitos who wander alone on their Eastern European castles on cold stormy nights. At least flies and larvae don't have their bug version of Edward Cullen portray a teen-friendly mosquito who glows in the daylight and falls in love with a centipede. Bugs-1 , Humans- 0.

This isn’t just an article, this is literally a call to arms. Every morning, you must do your duty of grabbing the paper on the front porch (feel free to use a copy of the Odyssey). All of the regular people out there who just want to have their head hit the pillow every night without turning into Rambo, I'm talking to you. To all of the animals out there whose job it is to eat these little devils, I'm talking to you. All of you scientists that are sitting in labs measuring the amount of saliva that the human mouth makes on an average day, I’m talking to you. We need to get our smashing skills in peak condition until the guys in lab suits can figure out a cool scientific way to solve this issue. Hopefully, one day, or children’s children will speak of this day as the day we said, “no more” and took the animal throne from the mosquitos.