"I'm sorry that your freshman year isn't what you'd hoped."
My father said that to me when I was home for Easter, Spring Break, and the multiple times I called him while I was on the verge of tears. It seemed to be a normal sign off, right along side "I love you" and "I hope you're doing well." It summed up how I felt pretty well, though.
At Baylor we have Recruitment in the Spring, so the Fall semester is a weird social limbo of being on your best behavior and going on rush dates, while at the same time always being on guard that people were going to not like you. I don't want to say I was sitting around waiting for Recruitment to give me a sense of belonging, friendships, and basically make me happy, but I totally was. All of my friends at other schools rushed in the fall, so every time I went on Instagram I would see them hanging out with all of their new friends, whereas I had just finished rewatching New Girl on a weekend. Thankfully, I found a home in my sorority and I am so blessed by those girls every single day. But, as the Bid Day excitement wore off, I still felt that nagging loneliness and jealousy of other people, as they seemed to be loving college where I felt like I was just killing time.
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." -Steven Furtick
I read this quote when I was an angsty Tumblr-addict in junior high, but it's stayed with me because I think it's something we easily forget nowadays. As the modern age of social media progresses and gets more intrusive, we feel like we know more and more about people. We follow them on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat, feeling like we know them personally. But we all know the time, effort, and filters put into each social media post. I'm extremely guilty of scrolling through people's Instagram's and feeling jealous that I didn't go on a spontaneous road trip or get an invite to a formal. But social media is a highlight reel. We post what we want people to see, what makes us look like we're having a great time. So I compare my not so glamorous moments, such as binge eating ice cream and watching House of Cards on a Saturday night to someone else's extravagant date night. It's a vicious cycle of jealousy, loneliness, and self-pity.
The thing about college is that you're going in with so many expectations, that you really don't know what to expect. You expect to be best friends with your roommate, to have random boys flirt with you in the library, to fit right in and find your "future bridesmaids" or whatever other cliche you can think of. These things may happen, but they also may not. You have no idea, and it's nearly impossible to prepare for the challenges and decisions you face on a daily basis.
The truth about college is that you probably will feel alone. You'll miss home because you'll miss familiarity. You'll miss the people who watched you as you grew up through your awkward phase, and can remember how weird you were in 4th grade. You'll feel alone, but you're not alone in that.
It's hard to admit that you're not having fun in college. Heck, it's hard to admit when you're struggling at all. It's hard to tell people you've known for only a few weird months that you're feeling lonely. But the reality is that everyone does at some point. I believe the best way to change this oxymoron of communal loneliness is honesty.
Emotional vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability is strength, it is power. Vulnerability is how you connect to others. It's a million times harder to tell someone that you feel alone and disappointed and overwhelmed, than "I'm good".
So, for the sake of practicing what I preach, freshman year has been tough. It hasn't been what I expected. It's been fun, random, rewarding, and a good overwhelming. But at the same time, I've had to take naps from stress/sadness headaches, I've called my parents and cried, I've cried on the drive back to Waco, I've felt alone when surrounded by people, I've felt really weird, I've felt left out, insecure and I've thought of transferring. All of these things I've felt I wouldn't trade for anything though. It's been such a formative year. I've learned so much about myself and to appreciate the sometimes under appreciated things in life, such as true friends, a loving family, and that God is good.
I guess this article is to encourage myself and anyone else who feels the same sometimes. It's okay to not be okay. You don't have to act like you have it all together. Especially in college, because no one has it all together. I encourage you to remember that everyone is always dealing with demons, no matter what their social media says about them. Talk to people about how they're feeling and dealing with stress and you'd be surprised about how similar people feel. Remember that you are enough and even when you're overwhelmed and sad and confused that it's going to be okay. Everyone is trying to figure themselves out. You may feel alone, but you're not alone.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:10
