I could walk into a room with my closest friends and family and laugh all night but still feel as if I was by myself in a dark corner in a room I didn’t know. My phone could be blowing up with notifications and text messages but I’d still feel as if everyone forgot about me. It’s hard growing up and faking your happiness. At some point it’s hard to determine which is real or not.

My mind is sending out the wrong signals and it’s hard for me to escape. I shut down and push the ones I love away, not on purpose anyway. At times I often thought about what would happen if I just disappeared, if one day I staged it to look like I was kidnapped or just walked off into the night. I feel so happy until I don’t, until i’m alone with all of my thoughts.

They say life gets harder after you graduate because when you live the way I have been, you grow up thinking there’s no way you’ll make it to 20. So, you make no plans; no future goals. Now we’re stuck in this transition period we didn’t know we’d have to deal with.

My feelings of loneliness have pushed me away from putting myself out there, from smiling by myself; learning how to love myself. I always resort to feeling as if it is my fault. My whole life I assumed people just didn’t want anything to do with me, that any words that came out of my mouth were unnecessary.

I started to use guys to fill the loneliness in my brain. A different guy, a different week. I couldn’t stand to hangout with myself or be alone for more than a few minutes. I would waste my time away with meaningless flirting and stupid conversations. Throwing myself into any relationship I could because if I was alone, it meant I was not good enough. I can’t remember a time I didn’t have a boyfriend in high school, afraid to be seen sitting alone at lunch or in the hallways. Afraid of the whispers or the laughs, I’d act as if I didn’t care but there were days I’d eat in the bathroom to avoid someone, anyone seeing me alone.

I would put up a front and pretend I didn’t have any feelings. Pretend I did have feelings for most people too just so I wouldn’t have to sit in a classroom and have nobody want to be my partner. My self esteem was so low I resorted to doing things I wouldn’t write in a auto biography. High school ended and my feelings about myself and everyone around me have yet to end.

I still felt the need to surround myself with anyone just so I wouldn’t have to be alone for a minute. Loneliness is such a powerful feeling and could consume you. When the truth is I had never felt so lonely, surrounded by so many people.

By accepting the way I feel, the signals my brain sends out; I’ve learned how to push my thoughts behind. Spending time with myself I’ve realized how much I am my only friend in every way. I am lonely, and that is okay.