I sometimes reflect on some of the decisions I've made in my life and I try to not live with regrets. This is not always an easy task, because now I think of how much I want to succeed and the lengths I go to in order to prove myself, and I wonder if karma has a weird cosmic hold on my endeavors? I wonder if I had made different choices or taken a different direction at any point, would my life be different now? Would I have to work so hard to show my heart and my dedication?
If I had the opportunity to talk to myself as I am now, then what would I say? Would I encourage that young woman to just live and do what she feels needs to be done? Would I share with her that even though she feels lost at times, that that feeling is totally normal? Would I tell her that she knows who she is even if she questions it on a regular basis? I would tell her that you've always known yourself, it just took a couple detours to appreciate who that person was and is.
Here is what I would tell myself 15 years ago, if I had the chance:
Listen up Lindsey,
Things are tough and will always be tough. It will seem like all of your efforts are for nothing, but in reality they are for you and gaining your self-worth. Your efforts are for your personal growth. If you stopped trying, you wouldn't feel the same. You wouldn't be as happy as you are. Sure, there are dark days, impatient moments, and there are decisions you will make that will fill you with guilt and confusion, but that is a part of life. You will be okay and you will one day realize that all of those terrible decisions you made weren't the worst - they have actually given you a backbone. Those times that you've shed tears because you couldn't change what you've done in the past shows where your heart is and where it always will be.
Those tears are a badge of courage, not a sign of weakness. Yes, you did things you regret, but guess what? That's life. One day you will be a parent and all things from your past will be moot. Your bad decisions now will be a learning curve for you in the future. You know what you don't want to do and that's the way it is. Don't be so hard on yourself, there will always be decisions that you question whether or not they are right or wrong, but in the scheme of things they just helped to shape you. They helped you love those who deserved your love the most. They helped you grasp happiness as a whole-body-and-mind experience not just a once-in-awhile feeling. These regrets will only help you to be more aware of how you want to live and how you can live. You are strong even if it doesn't seem like it.
