The sink was full of strands of hair again, and as I looked at my reflection in the mirror, my one hand was poised over my head, still twirling a piece between my fingers. I hadn’t even realized that I had been pulling again, I had come in here to brush my teeth before school…but the evidence didn’t lie, and sure enough, there was now another tiny bald spot on my scalp…
Trichotillomania, also referred to as TTM, or sometimes Trich, is a compulsion disorder that involves the constant, and absolute irresistible urge to pull out one’s body hair. This can include your hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, and sometimes even pubic hair. There is no ‘cure’ for Trich. No magic pill that will make you automatically stop and your hair magically grow back in overnight. Some people find that talking to a psychiatrist or a counselor helps, while others take anti-anxiety medication. Everyone is different. But to be blunt, and speaking from personal experience; in the end, it’s really just you versus yourself. A battle of will, if you might.
Some battles you will win, but you have to be prepared to lose some along the way.
And one of the BIGGEST issues is that it’s not talked about enough, at least not by those who struggle with it on a daily basis.
This is MY story:
My "battle" began when I was eleven years old. To this day, I still can’t really tell you what exactly had triggered my hair pulling. I didn’t exactly have an easy childhood; my mother had been out of work due to a disability since I was seven, so I grew up a bit faster than I should have. It could have even started after the death of a close family friend, who used to ruffle and mess up my hair every time he’d see me. No one, not myself, my mother, or even the countless psychiatrists I had been forced to go see, could pinpoint the exact time it had started. But by the time I entered the seventh grade, I was pulling my hair out to the extreme.
In the beginning, I didn’t really understand what I was doing, I just knew that it made me feel better. For a tiny split second, of course, until I realized what I had done… then I would feel bad again and start pulling once more. It was an endless cycle. In the early stages, I wasn’t pulling enough to draw too much attention to myself, so it was very easy for me to hide what I was doing. Even my own mother didn’t catch on at first! I could style my hair differently, or part it to the opposite side. The better it was hidden, the better I felt. But hiding it didn’t solve the problem, and as I grew older, it only got worse.
By the tenth grade, things had gotten so bad, to the point that I had such large bald patches all over my head, that I had to start wearing a wig. It was the worst feeling in the world. If the stress of being a high-schooler wasn’t enough, let’s add a wig to it. Even though I was so ashamed of myself, I blamed it on those around me as well. The ones who stared and teased whispered cruel things behind my back, I wanted to blame it all on them. But it was just an excuse, and it caused more and more frustration as time went on. This only added fuel to my hair pulling and even though I kept my head covered during the day, the second I got home, I was back hiding in my room or the bathroom, pulling away. It felt justified, like I needed to pull to make myself feel better. When I was done and I saw the results, I would be absolutely miserable.
Having to wear a wig throughout my high-school years, affected both my social, as well as my academic life. I lost friends, my grades were horrible at times. I never confided in anybody, in fear of losing even more friends (although I know there was no way people didn’t know) I had such a hard time admitting it to myself at times that I felt like no one else would ever understand me.
It wasn’t until college when things finally started to change. I was in a place where no one seemed to judge me on my looks anymore, I blended in with the crowd. And it was amazing! For the first time in years, I found myself pulling less and less, and pretty soon I was able to take the wig off! Because of this, my confidence grew, I began taking all of these chances that I hadn’t dared to take before. IT FELT GREAT! I went out and made new friends, I started dating, I started to LIVE. I still had my bad days, but I was able to bounce back most of the time. I knew I had to take the bad with the good, and vice versa. But as I found myself pulling less and less, I started to see myself become the person that I always wanted to be. A few years later, I found this amazing page on Facebook with people just like me and suddenly found myself part of a community where I could go and read other people stories, their struggles, where I could share mine. I didn’t feel like an outcast anymore…
Now, this wasn’t meant to be a sob story. And it’s not exactly a success story either…
Believe it or not, more people deal with Trichotillomania than you’d think. It can be hard, putting yourself out there and that is the biggest reason as to why this disorder isn’t talked about enough. It’s not really something that is easy to admit. But talking about it really does help, and it helps to know that you’re not alone with this. So do your research, try and find people who also have Trichotillomania, listen to their stories, tell them yours. When I first started dealing with this, I didn’t have anyone that I could relate to, that I felt would understand me, and be sympathetic towards. But I wish I had. I wish that there had been someone, anyone, around to tell me exactly what I am about to tell you:
You are not alone.
Do not outcast yourself. More people are understanding than you may like to believe and having a support system is GREAT! Find that one person you know you can trust and go from there. The more you are able to talk about it, the more comfortable you will become of the topic and you will find your support system growing as you let more and more people in.
Do your research. There are SO many supportive outlets out there, and right at your fingertips! You'd be amazed how many support groups are out there, even on Facebook. Knowing that you are not alone, that you are NEVER alone, is a huge help as well! No one will understand what you're going through better than someone going through it themselves! You will always have friends in the "Trich" world.
Do not let your Trichotillomania control you.
You will win this battle.
Don’t give up.
