A month or so ago I wrote an article about my choice in having premarital sex. In that article, I wrote that one of my fears was becoming pregnant. Well little did I know that mere weeks after writing that article my doctor would give me some devastating news: I have Premature Ovarian Failure.
Premature Ovarian Failure is the loss of normal function of your ovaries before the age of 40. So in short, I hit menopause at the age of 18 but it wasn't until now at the age of 23 that I was officially diagnosed. I spent almost 5 years without having my period. Before my period stopped, it had been irregular since I turned 15. My cycles would be normal one month but the next month I would have my period twice in the same month, then I would skip a month and started the pattern all over again.
During those five years, I didn't have insurance so paying out of pocket to see a doctor was out of the question. Now that I'm financially stable enough to afford health Insurance and co-payments I was able to see a doctor. I did all the tests and exams needed to make that proper diagnoses. I already instinctively knew that if I didn't have my period start up again soon, infertility would be an issue. That to me was an important detail that made want to be able to get health insurance. Down the line I hoped that one day I'd be able to have my own children.
The day I got my results I wish I hadn't gone to the appointment by myself. My doctor started off by saying that my body wasn't producing estrogen, and without estrogen my bones can become weak as I get older. Then she told me that my ovaries have shut down. My heart sank because I already knew everything else that she was going to say. I didn't want to accept that I wouldn't be able to have my own children because my body isn't producing eggs.
She reassured me that I can still be a mother but I didn't really care to listen. One of my goals is to start a family of my own and have an identical mini-me; just like my mother has her identical mini-me (me). I sort-of wanted that so I could share endless embarrassing moments with her. Once I got home I remember crying, a lot. Possibly the most I have ever cried before. I felt like I lost something, I felt broken literally and figuratively.
For days after that I couldn't think straight. Even now I've been drowning in my own thoughts. My doctor started me on a hormonal therapy that I've been on ever since that last visit. According to Orphanet Journal Of Rare Diseases POF can occur 1 in 10,000 women before the age of 20 and 1 in 1,000 women before the age of 30. I guess I happened to be that one out of the thousands. Just like the article states, the main cause of this disorder is still not explained. There are different causes that could be a factor but none of them fits the bill for me. We're still trying to figure it out and at this point we're just hoping for the best.
With this new experience I was able to gain some support from my family and friends. I couldn't have stayed so grounded without them. But I did gain a new fear for the future: that one day someone will come along and they will want to start a family. What answer will I be able to give them? Would they leave once they realize it's going to come with a price? Would they think I am damaged goods? Would I ever be good enough in their eyes or anyone's eyes for that matter? There are lots of potential maybes and nos to these questions but we won't know for sure until it happens. Until then I'll still have more of these questions, and all the what ifs.
Since my diagnosis I have been looking at everything so differently. Anytime I see my friends who are expectant mothers I feel heartbroken. When they are with their children and I see how much their kids take after them I get even more sad. You might never even see me show it because I wouldn't ever want to make someone feel bad for being able to have a child. It's a beautiful thing that many of us don't, or won't, have a chance to ever experience. I just hope they realize how lucky they are that they have functioning organs and they have the option to have a child or not.
