Vulnerability is not weakness

kindness is not femininity

sensitivity is not unmanly

but I am human.

-do not make assumptions

I cannot recall the exact time and place I began to write these types of poems. Even though they are rubbish, they became a great way to battle the demons of my mind and of this world. It has become a joy that sometimes I do not even remember writing them, but I wake up to find that I jotted something in my iPhone notes, usually around three in the morning. My favorite so far, a piece titled “You’re Like A Rock In My Birkenstocks,” turned out to be an oddly romantic poem. Although I do not remember the complete meanings behind all of my late night writings, I vividly remember writing the one included above. In a world filled with assumptions, I myself have been battling what “being a man” means. I am on a journey of not conforming to society’s version of a man, but striving to be more like Jesus and learning how to face persecution from those who would rather have me be their image of a man. I hope by now you have not tuned out because you think you cannot relate to what I will be writing. I promise you will be able to. I have no intent of using this to teach anyone how to be like me, but instead share my personal experiences of confronting sexism and learning to be more like Jesus. There will hopefully be something for any single person to gain from this, whether it is the characteristics of Jesus or a new outlook to think about.

It would be uncommon to grow up in America without hearing phrases such as, “You (blank) like a girl!” or “Real men don’t cry!” or anything that assigns a completely natural human trait to a specific gender with negative connotation. Even with the growth of gender equality, things such as these can be crippling to young men trying to find out the type of man they are. If I were to seek something to point blame at, I would probably have to say media and pop-culture. Society is being spoon-fed ideas of manliness through ranging forms, such as ads for bald-spot treatments, muscle-building supplements, and to the actors that are casted to play roles of “ordinary men” on televisions and in films. From a young age, it is imprinted on the mind that we should idolize things like a full head of hair, steroid looking muscle definition, and being able to please women with looks, money, and sex. Since these things are so prevalent in our culture, it becomes second nature for people to look down on things they deem “unmanly.” I do not think my strong opinions on these issues would be the way they are without my background. I was raised in a house with four sisters and our mother. This is why I have found it easy to be kind of a mediator of the problem.

1) I have a sensitive, caring, practical side due to living in a house with five females.

2) Above all that, I am a man. At a young age I found myself with no father figure in my life, which is a devastating fact, but it made me who I am today. Being raised without an image of what a man should act like I quickly became lost. I honestly did not even know how to properly interact with others, or how to have confidence. For about 14 years I just went day by day, just trying to be the friendliest version of myself that I could be, but I had nothing to root an identity in. I involved myself with tennis, theatre, and music. Little did I know, those choices would lead me to being an outcast from the typical middle school to high-school male population. Starting in sixth grade, coaches always told me that I should play football, that I had the build for it. This was not where my passion lied though. I stuck with tennis. As ridiculous as it sounds, a lot of people did not like this. On many occasions I got teased for not “having enough balls” to play a “real man’s sport.” I stuck to it though and ended up with city, district, and state titles in men’s singles. On top of my lack of desire to play football, my passion for theatre did not help. A common assumption, but false one when talking about my case is that guys who do theatre “must be gay.” I did not magically like guys because I started to act; I simply liked to make an auditorium full of people laugh, cry, and feel something for an hour and a half at a time. The real kicker to this story, the fact that people can think kindness, vulnerability, and genuineness equate to femininity. To be honest, I was not too thrown off by the other things, I knew that was just how society reacted to some things, and it seemed inevitable. My biggest shock came when one of my best friends said that those traits made me “girly and feminine.” I was simply striving to be like Jesus, and was told I was not being a “real man.” I honestly lost hope; I could not understand a world that rejected genuineness of all things. I turned again to Jesus, and I found answers and refuge in Him.

In a true Christian walk, one should be striving to live in the example of Jesus as stated in 1 Peter 2:21. Though media and pop-culture are working towards creating disciples of “perfect” celebrities, Jesus is the ultimate man and the ultimate example. Set your eyes on Christ, a man with rough hands, a physically fit physique, and the stamina to withstand beatings and carrying His cross. A man who endured all the same temptations we do, but was able to remain without sin as it is said in Hebrews 4:15. In the face of anger He remained calm and trusted in God. In the face of pride He humbled Himself to be a servant. He selflessly washed the feet of others and faced so much persecution and doubt as to His true identity. In the face of lust He was able to look at women without making them objects, but regarding them as creations of God. Jesus never married, yet was the most complete man because sexual relations do not make a man whole. Above all this, my favorite trait of Jesus is His genuine, purifying, caring, steadfast, convicting love. I would add in a Bible verse here, but even the ones that proclaim His love do not cover its expanse.

Romans 12:2 has been a big help and a constant reminder to not conform to the ways of this world and the expectations imposed on to young men trying to find their identities. Instead, seek to be transformed by the love of Jesus to follow in the example of manhood He has set forth. I aim in all things to be genuine, kind, encouraging, convicting, zealous, sensitive, good, and to love unconditionally. In a messy world with an even messier mind, above all else, choose Jesus.