As my final months of college wind down I have begun to reflect on what I have gained from my four years of higher education. I’m still working on it, so expect a more positive post in the coming weeks. But in this process I have also come to grasp things that I didn’t necessarily get from my college experience. At the end of these next few months, I hope to have an equally weighted list. But until then, I feel the need to vent for a little, because four years in and I still don’t know if I made the right choice way back when.

When I finally decided to attend YSU instead of the much pricier OSU, I made a conscious decision to live at home. I’d save about $8,000 every year, wouldn’t have to worry about food, and would have the luxuries of good Wi-Fi, my own bathroom, and my own bedroom, among other things. I was sacrificing a lot, but tried to justify the decision to myself. For the last four years, I have been logically trying to convince myself that I did - in fact - make the right choice, or at least the right choice for right now. But there have been more nights wondering ‘what if’ then I care to think about. Nights in which I could be doing something productive are instead spent hoping, wishing, and wondering if I could go back in time and do things differently. Because I don’t know if I would. But my point remains, and it keeps me up at night.

By living at home I missed out on a giant portion of the college experience. I didn’t make as many friends living at home if I were to have lived in a dorm, I didn’t necessarily get to branch out or step outside of my comfort zone as much as I would have liked (not that I don’t want to step outside of my comfort zone, I just haven’t had as many chances to do so), and I missed the majority of the social aspect that is going away to college (cue the Blink-182 song and a wave of teenage angst).

I have been to less than a handful of college parties (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing), only have made about a dozen or so new friends outside of the people I went to high school with, and feel a monumental wave of regret every time I see fellow students’ Instagram posts or Tweets detailing a night out or party or something like that. Not that parties are the answer, but there is certainly a social aspect that anyone would love to experience. And I have certainly had opportunities to get out or try something new before, but not to the extent that I imagined when I graduated high school. Plus, I can't tell you how many times I've woken up to texts or messages asking, 'Why didn't you come out last night??' despite the fact that I was never told about anything in the first place. It's like I had this picture perfect, cinematic vision of college and how the most important four years of my life would be… but the show was over before I even got to the movie theater.

Now, living at home is not a shot at my parents or home life, nor has it been all bad. Living at home has awarded me the opportunity to be a speech coach for my high school Alma mater. I love my job as a coach, and I love the kids I get to be with every week. I have learned a lot about myself, and it has provided me with invaluable experience in leadership and being responsible for other peoples’ successes. And, again, I have saved thousands in loans and out-of-pocket costs, as well. And not sharing a bathroom with seven other people has, admittedly, not been too bad. And despite my insomnia, I’m sure having a roommate wouldn’t have necessarily helped my sleeping patterns. But no matter how I spin it, I still feel that I made the wrong decision four years ago.

Now that being said I am aware that I am only twenty-one years old, and I have my entire life ahead of me. I realize that once I graduate and get my degree I will be able to pick up and move anywhere I want (which I plan to do shortly after I walk across that stage this spring), and life will inevitably hit me in the face. But it's that shock that I’ve been waiting for that continues to avoid me. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and it is that which I must keep reminding myself of. But I tend to over-think literally everything, so we’ll see how it goes. Because one moment I feel great about how the last four years have played out, and the next I am regretting every second since the moment I received my high school diploma. I don’t know. Maybe some wave of insight or perspective will wash over me once I get my degree. Maybe it won’t, and I will continue feeling like this. Who knows.

So what are your thoughts on this? Are you someone who lives at home and feels the same way as me, or while living off-campus have you had a different experience? Are you someone who went away to college and instead regretted it? Let us know what your college experience has been!