From the outside looking in, I may seem like a happy, goofy, care-free woman. I'm always the person to be making jokes and the one who can crack up at the smallest things. I have an amazing family, lifetime friends, and everything I could possibly need.
Little do many people know that I've been depressed for a couple years now. I was diagnosed with a heavy general anxiety disorder as well as obsessive compulsive disorder. The anxiety and OCD were taking over my entire life, and that is where the depression decided to slip in. I guess it has just chosen to stay. Yes, there are periods of time where I definitely feel like I am on the mend and I couldn't picture myself getting depressed again. Then the next day, it sneaks up on me. I'll wake up one morning feeling nothing. I suddenly won't want to be around people and my room becomes my only comfortable space. The only space where I don't have to try to explain myself to others as to why I am depressed, because most of the time I have no clue myself.
Depression is a silent illness. It took me so long to open up to others about how I truly felt deep down. I wasn't prepared for the never ending comments like "I'm overthinking it" or "we all get sad sometimes" or "there's no reason for you to be sad, look at the amazing life you have been given!". My feelings are completely downplayed by others because they can't physically see my illness. It makes me close off to others and fear telling others what I'm experiencing because I feel extremely misunderstood.
Though my depression and anxiety feel like a very heavy load to carry at times, there is one very special phrase that keeps me going everyday. It gets me out of bed on those rough mornings and helps me fall asleep at night. "This too shall pass". As simple as it may be, it is a transformative saying. It reminds me that even at my darkest of times, there is always a light. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how it may feel at the time. When dealing with depression, patience is the absolute key.
I was once told by my therapist that depression is 50% caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, 10% is life experiences, but 40% is actually in our control. Even when I am feeling the most hopeless and am struggling to get through the day, I remind myself that I have some degree of control over my depression. On the days when I feel the worst, rather than laying in bed and hiding like I used to, I decide to push myself as hard as I can to get out and do something I typically love. Even though it may be a struggle. It can't hurt.
After living with two anxiety disorders as well as depression, it has made me realize something very important. No matter how someone looks and acts on the outside, you never know what they are battling internally. Just like me, there are so many others out there that are masters at hiding a mental illness. We need to stop downplaying others feelings and learn to have empathy. We need to learn that just because something cannot be seen does not mean it doesn't exist.
It is about time that those who suffer from a mental illness are able to speak up without the feelings of embarrassment, shame, and fear.
