I am a very organized person. All of my belongings, both tangible and intangible, have a special place in my world. I pick up an item and then I return it back to its exact spot when I am done with it. I am a routine freak. I talk to the same people everyday, usually at exact points in the day. I function off of routine and similarity. I like to be able to control my environments as much as possible.

Having control of my environment helps me ensure safety and happiness. I do not take risks unless they are clearly calculated and I am able to anticipate the result. I do not like change. Although refreshing at times, I often find the unknown overwhelming. My daily habits function off of routine. My routine is filled with independence in some areas and dependence in others. I do not need anyone in particular to be apart of my life; I am able to survive on my own.

With that said, there are people who are apart of my daily routine. I enjoy the company of my family. They provide me with support, guidance, and a safety blanket. However, they have given me “all the tools I need in life” as my mother likes to say. Meaning that although they will always be here for me, they know that I am able to survive without them. I enjoy the company of my staff. Every staff meeting is filled with laughs, off topic conversations, and bonding opportunities. But the truth is, last years staff provided me with the exact same feeling. These are the people that make a difference in my life; these are the people that are a part of my routine.

What about those who do not provide these benefits to you? Those who do not provide you with support, laughter, and a safety blanket. I think we all have a person we desire although they do not benefit your routines. I know I do. So why do we waste time desiring someone’s presence when they provide more harm than love? Why do we want negativity to be apart of our daily routine?

As much as I love my daily routine and I wish that everyone could be apart of it, I recognize that there are some aspects of my routine that I am unable to control. In some ways my daily routine is a mess. Trust me, I would love to be able to control this mess. I would love for everyone to have their own spot in my world. But that’s just not possible. I am not willing to sacrifice my safety and happiness. I hope one day the person I desire is able to provide me with what I need. I hope they recognize how much they lost when I walked away.

Until that day comes, I will live in the mess. I recognize that I can’t fix everything. Maybe I just have to live in the mess for a little.