A wise person once told me that I could never truly love someone until I had learned to love myself.

At the time I thought I understood the wisdom that was being shared with me, and to a certain extent I did. I believed those words to mean that I had to love myself, which meant I had to appreciate my physical being. Logically it makes sense that I need to recognize and appreciate myself before I can expect anyone else to. I know that I need to learn to love my body for the way it is, acknowledging what it does for me so that I do not become dependent upon another’s appreciation of my body to take the place of my own attention. However, this understanding was all I understood self-love to mean, a very rudimentary look at what I as a human-being can bring to a relationship.

After a few years have passed since I was first introduced to idea of needing to love myself first, and with these years have come life experiences that have allowed those words to take on a whole new dimension. I describe this insight to be an emerging facet rather than a new meaning, because it does not mitigate my previous understanding, it simply enhances it.

I now have a deeper understanding of what self-love is. It is not just about the appreciation of one’s physical being, rather it is about learning to care for one’s spirit. Being able to know yourself is crucial to identifying one’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Then once you are able to identify your needs, they can be voiced, leading to a higher likelihood of being met. Without this acknowledgement of needs and desires, there seems to be a greater propensity for unknown expectations to be placed on a partner to fulfill those unnamed needs. The failure to meet expectations due the fact they were unnamed, whether you placed them on your partner or they were placed upon you,only leads to heartache and strife.

Regardless of whether you believe another person can fulfill your needs, being able to name your expectations of both yourself and your partner within any interaction context will only benefit the relationship. But first you must be willing to fully embrace and acknowledge your needs, otherwise known as love yourself. I hope for you that the acknowledgment of needs decreases opportunities for disappointment, which in turn allows for more love to be shared and received.