We were all little kids once, each with our own rituals and dreams. My ritual was watching "The Little Mermaid" every single day. I had an Ariel doll with all of the clothes from the movie. I would lay the clothes out flat on the floor and dress her in the designated outfit she was wearing in each scene. My dream was to be just like her, fins and flawless hair included.
Let me tell you a little secret: you can't actually grow up to be "The Little Mermaid". There are some serious flaws in that 5-year-old's logic. If you don't believe me, allow me to explain.
1. That hair color is not nature made.
The only way to give yourself Ariel's flaming red hair is to go find it in a bottle. Your boss probably won't appreciate the vibrant mop of dyed glory atop your head, and it doesn't look so nice when your roots inevitably start growing in. Also, trying to perfect Ariel's swift and casual hair flips will not work for you with the dried out straw you will definitely obtain from too much product. But nice try.
2. The chances of you being able to dive deep enough into the ocean to find a sassy sea witch are very slim.
Even if you could power your finless legs to the bottom of the ocean (you can't), you probably wouldn't be able to articulate your desires to Ursula because humans can't speak under water. Have you ever tried talking while holding your breath? Trust me, it's not a pretty picture (yes, I've tried).
3. “Professional Mermaid” is not a career choice that you will find in any course catalogue for any college throughout the country.
You can choose a major like Liberal Arts (since no one actually knows what that is anyway), but you’ll still be hard pressed to find any subjects that coincide with your "Little Mermaid" dreams. Classes such as “Shell Bras 101” and “Intro to Kelp” most likely do not exist, especially since I made them up just now.
4. (The obvious fourth point to make would be to tell you that "The Little Mermaid" is not actually real, but I won’t do that to either of us.)
If you are a 20-something with a goal of becoming Ariel, it is probably time to face the reality of the situation and give up on your unrealistic aspirations. Take it from a semi-adult who still keeps her eyes trained on the sea, just hoping for a flash of sparkly fish tail. It may be time to grow up, though maybe not too much. Where’s the fun in that?
(It can also be noted that places like Mermaid Fitness offer aerobics classes where you can actually wear a tail, so you can still get your fix if you really need to.)
