Before there was a little tiny person growing in my belly, there were a lot of things I did for me. I graduated high school for me. I got a job for me. I went to college for me. I strove to be happy for me. But, pregnancy changes who and what you focus on. Very quickly everything went from being about me to being about the baby in my belly. I quit smoking for the baby. I stopped drinking for the baby. I started taking a daily vitamin for the baby. But the hardest thing I chose to do was something I should have done for me, but couldn't. I chose to recover for the baby.
For years, I have struggled with an eating disorder which was an endless cycle of starvation and self-induced vomiting. Food was my enemy, and my mind and disordered thoughts were an even bigger enemy. I couldn't escape, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to. The thought of gaining the weight back that I had worked so hard to lose made me feel physically sick, and I was so afraid that even if I did choose to recover, I could never love myself. But when those two pink lines came up on that test in October 2015, I knew my body wasn't just mine anymore and if I couldn't recover for me, I had to do it for the human whose life depends on me.
At first, it was hard. Morning sickness made it so the last thing I wanted to do was eat and it still hadn't sunk into my head that I was really pregnant. It wasn't until I got my first ultrasound that it truly hit me and whenever I had a hard time coping, I would look at that ultrasound and remember who I was doing this for. I pushed past the never-ending nausea and I ate even the smallest foods just so my baby would get something.
As the months have gone on, it has gotten so much easier than it was at the beginning. Knowing that I will be bringing a little girl into this world makes me want to fight even harder than I was. In a society where women already face impossible beauty standards, the last thing I want is for my daughter to learn how to hate herself by watching me. An even bigger factor for what helps me push through is feeling her move around when I eat. Sometimes I just eat to get her moving because there's really nothing better than feeling the life you created move around in your belly. Sure, I still have my hard days where I break down crying because my pre-pregnancy clothes don't fit anymore and my weight is where it was pre-eating disorder, but all I have to do is say "do it for her" over and over in my head and I can work through it.
She will be called Amethyst, and not because the amethyst stone is beautiful, and she will be too, but because the amethyst stone is a healing stone, and she is my healer. With every kick she gives me and every hiccup she has, I feel stronger. I may have given this little girl life, but she has given me a second chance at life.
