When I decided to become a journalist, I knew that some of the things I would write about would be difficult. I knew that some of the cases and investigations, the stories and narratives, the raw and pulsating emotion of the human story and its retelling would sometimes be a lot to bear. With this in mind, I decided to do something that nobody before me over the age of 7 had done before.
I would list to "Kidz Bop 28" in its entirety.
Why? Journalism knows no bounds or fears, it only knows the truth. I wanted to gather my own truth of Kidz Bop, to say I embodied dedication and resilience and to be able to know I can investigate to the fullest of my ability. Also I’m a sucker for a punny (albeit unnecessary) lyric change.
"Kidz Bop 28" is a recent installment in the series of censored versions of top 40 hits sung by pre-teens. The attempt at kid-friendly urban singalongs, in this case, is 14 tracks long. I won’t be listening to the Target or Walmart bonus tracks because a person, even an intrepid journalist, can only take so much.
11:17 It begins.
11:17 Where the hell do they get these children? Like did Kidz Bop buy them? What parent decided to seal their kid’s fate by forcing them into this? Cruel.
11:18 I really do love the song "Uptown Funk" and when people don't like it I automatically don't trust them. Who couldn’t like such a fun and happy funk-era throwback jam?
11:19 I hate this.
11:19 They changed “hot damn” to “hot yeah” which doesn't make any sense grammatically.
11:22 "Blank Space" is on now, and this is one of my favorite songs, so they better not screw this up.
11:22 Not completely awful (If we're being 100 percent honest here, Taylor Swift basically made Kidz Bop music for the first three albums of her career, so this isn't much of a stretch.)
11:23 This is more auto-tuned than a T-Pain album and I’m confused.
11:24 “Darling IT’S a nightmare dressed like a daydream.” That is more menacing than the original lyric but alright, noted.
11:25 "Lips Are Movin'" begins and, sweet God, do I wish I could turn back now.
11:25 I want to say this is the worst yet, but I'm biased because I always abhorred this song and Meghan Trainor.
11:27 My lips are movin’ into a pained grimace.
11:28 OK now that I know hell is real so begins "Jealous," a cover of the catchy Nick Jonas single. I’m going to recommend for those of us who can handle the F-word to listen to the Tinashe remix of this song. It’s superb and Tinashe is a goddess.
11:29 I wish Tinashe was here.
11:30 Lyric change: “You're so pretty beautiful,” which seems redundant.
11:31 Who exactly has a career creating this and do they feel good about themselves?
11:31 Realizing the people who produce Kidz Bop (and probably the Kidz themselves) are richer than I will ever be is hard.
11:32 "Love Me Harder" begins.
11:33 Do you think that Weeknd ever imagined anything he was involved with being on a Kidz Bop album? Not exactly his gig.
11:34 Did Kidz Bop really need to cover this song? Ariana Grande is pretty much a bopping kid herself. They might as well cover Barney songs or the Camp Rock soundtrack while they're at it.
11:35 OK "Steal My Girl" is up now.
11:35 I miss Zayn ... does anyone know where I can find a copy of this song just featuring Zayn?
11:36 This isn't that bad, I guess.
11:38 I'm almost halfway done with this I can't say I'm mad about that. As a journalist sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into once I begin. I can't turn back.
11:40 "Blame" by Calvin Harris is next.
11:40 I'll give it to these children, they can definitely execute a harmony.
11:42 I don’t have much to say about this one except that I won't blame it on the night I'm going to blame these kids’ parents for making them do this.
11:43 This one better be good ... "The Heart Wants What It Wants" by Selena Gomez is on now. A song about forbidden love and redemption.
11:44 I really like this song in real life ... they changed "bed" to "world" which is understandable, I'll give them that.
11:44 I’m ready for this to be over.
11:46 My parents are probably thrilled with this career path ... This is serious, hardcore journalism people!!
11:47 That one "We Could Be Heroes" song is up next.
11:48 I was never into this song at all, and I can't say I'm into this.
11:49 Please .... please just end.
11:51 Sam Smith’s "I Know I'm Not The Only One" is playing and something about this just doesn't seem right from the beginning.
11:51 Sam Smith has the voice of an angel, but I think I've descended into hell.
11:52 This whole song seems a little mature for people who replaced the "s" in kids with a "z."
11:53 The irony in this song right now is that I think I am actually the only one to listen to this full album.
11:54 "Ghost" by Ella Henderson!!!! I love this song!!!
11:55 “I had to go through a wall to prove I'm not insane” ... I might be wrong here, but this doesn't prove you aren't insane. (The original lyric is hell.)
11:57 I can’t support this cover.
11:58 This song is called "Waves." I don't really know this song so this should be interesting.
11:58 It sounds vaguely familiar ... like a name from my past.
12:01 *yawns*
12:02 Another song I don't particularly know ... It’s called "I Lived."
12:03 The title is ironic because after listening to this whole album, I will be able to say the same thing.
12:04 I'm never having kidz.
12:06 Ed Sheeran’s "Thinking Out Loud" has begun.
12:07 “Take me into your lovin’ arms, kiss me under the light of a thousand stars” shockingly not changed.
12:07 This is the last track, by the way.
12:09 DONE... *Angels sing!* (Not kid angels, adult angels with low voices and uncensored hymns!)
I did it. I listened to a whole Kidz Bop album. I can update my resume, add it to my professional email signature and brag about it to my friends! I, a 22-year-old college senior, just listened to "Kidz Bop 28" in its entirety. I lived. I would even say I thrived. This is journalism. Thanks, Kidz.
