I was four years old when I first experienced the magic of lipstick. Too young by some people’s standards, but it was a special occasion. A dance recital that I was performing in and my ballet instructor wanted us to wear something that would match our pink tutus. Wet n Wild’s “Fushia with blue pearl” as I recall, not the most clever of names but an accurate one for sure. I will never forget the moment I first saw myself with it. I was everything. I was fabulous. I was the most glamorous my little four-year-old self had ever been. I was a clumsy kid who couldn’t keep up too well with the other dancers so recitals always made me feel uncomfortable and nervous, I always felt like everybody was watching me, but with the power of Wet n Wild’s “Fushia with blue pearl” I was unstoppable. I still felt like everyone was watching me but with good reason. I was fierce, a term that I probably didn’t know at the time but surely felt. I looked beautiful. From then on I looked forward to any dance recital as it gave me the opportunity to wear some sort of lipstick. Nerves, jitters, insecurities be damned, I looked fabulous.

My mom let me have the little lipstick samples she got with her AVON orders to play dress up with. I would always ask for the kid friendly cosmetics with the most color for Christmas, pink Bonne Bell strawberry flavored lip glosses or red raspberry Smackers, because of the hint of color they provided. I would layer and layer and layer classic cherry chapstick to try to get as close to a red as possible. It wasn’t until whatever dark point in my life that I started hating myself that I stopped chasing the magic of lipstick.

I spent a long time hating myself. Years, years of self-loathing, time I spent thinking I was too ugly for lipstick, my lips were too thin, my teeth would look yellow, I would be mocked for wearing it. I would see pictures of women in magazines wearing lipstick and I would, rather than my days of idolization in the past, feel bad about myself because I didn’t look like them.

Then it all changed one day. Truth be told, as silly as it may sound, it was RuPaul's Drag Race show that reawakened my love for lipstick. The queens are so beautiful, so confident, so well painted, they were everything I needed to kick start my long dead confidence. I didn’t look like them, but it didn’t matter, they didn’t even look like themselves before they started painting, the lipstick brought something beautiful out of them. Next time I went to Wegmans with my dad I snuck a tube of lipstick in the cart. Wet n Wild’s “Retro Red,” a classic, blue based red that the internet told me would be universally flattering. I told my dad it was for a play or something like that, he bought it, both the excuse and the lipstick. As soon as I got home I ran up to my room, locked the door and tried it on. It wasn’t just that lipstick was taboo in my house, my parents weren’t too keen on me wearing it at the time, but I didn’t want anyone to see me in it. I wasn’t sure if I would like it. I was so ready to see something grotesque in the mirror.

I loved it. I looked amazing. I felt a spark of that magic from all those years ago at my dance recital. But this time I wasn’t getting ready to perform on stage, I was getting ready to go up against the world.

My life has changed in so many ways since then. My anxiety and depression remain ever present, but lipstick has helped me through it. My tastes have evolved since my Wet n Wild days, I’m more of a MAC kind of gal myself now, NARS, OCC, Kat Von D, etc, though I do have a gorgeous collection of drug store varieties that I love as well. I like them dark and vampy, bright and girly, nude and demure, black as night, any which way. They are part of my everyday uniform, my war paint, when I put them on I am reminding myself that I am beautiful, I am worth it, I am fierce. They are, in many ways, a symbol of my strength and individuality. I’ve been told that I wear too much lipstick, that I’m wearing lipstick too dark for me, that I shouldn’t wear lipstick in a certain place or a certain way. But I do. And I do it for myself. Because I deserve it. Lipstick highlights my confidence, amplifies it. With it I am unstoppable.

I would suggest that everyone take the time to find their lipstick. Not literally, though that’s a good plan as well (HMU I’m totally down to help,) rather figuratively, everyone should take the time to find the thing that makes them feel confident, that highlights who they are. It doesn’t have to be makeup, perhaps a certain hairstyle or style of sweater. It doesn’t have to be external, perhaps learn a magic trick or find a new book. Do something for you. Do something that makes you feel good, makes you feel good about yourself, good about who you are. You deserve it.