My first love was one of total consumption. He entered my life suddenly and took it over without hesitation. I met him young; fourteen and about as inexperienced as they come. That goes for me, at least. One night I was simply running in circles (literally, I was on the track team) and the next thing I knew the only thing running in circles was the thought of Will in my head. The relationship we had did everything it was supposed to do. It kept me up until three a.m. on school nights, it redefined my middle-school morals, and it put my body in a constant state of anxious arousal. It was the kind of love a freshman girl could only dream about but, unfortunately, we all wake up from our dreams.
It’s been four years and I still think about him every day, just not in the same way. Nowadays it’s more of a sadness than a euphoria and a bad sort of anxiousness rather than good. There is a certain kind of pain in knowing that someone who has deleted you from their life is still the one who consumes your mind every ten minutes. Although extremely childish and twenty-first century, being blocked on social media does hurt, especially when you just started to think you could maybe be friends. More frequently than not, I have dreams about us getting back together and what it may be like. But, just like the dream of a freshman girl, I wake up from these and each time have to re-accept the fact that the boy who brought so much ecstasy into my life now only entertains my being when I’m asleep.
The thoughts and potential feelings I still have for Will have not stopped me from seeing other guys, however, I have yet to feel the way I did for him for anyone else. I have been in love with only one other person since he left me, his name is Ryan. Who I was to Ryan is who Will was to me so if we’re being honest, he never had a chance. I was bound to wreak havoc in his life. I came in with no hesitation, ignited a fire in his chest he had never felt before, and put it out all in the matter of a year and a half. One day I believe he will understand. He will understand that the ache he has for me is the one I have for someone else and he will realize that he could have never been my Will, even if I was his.
Will is with someone else now, his first serious relationship since me. I do believe that letting go of me was hard for him. He told me he just wanted to forget me and I like to think this is because remembering reminded him of how much he loved me. He was ready to move on from the feelings he had for me so I can understand why forgetting is what he needed to do, no matter how much it broke me. The love he had for me was immense but this new girl sparks something in him that I did not. Maybe it’s just that he’s older and more mature or maybe he truly does have a love for her he didn’t for me, but I watch as the boy I fell so hard for, falls even harder for a beautiful girl. He tells the world how much he loves her, how unfathomably lucky he is for her being in his life, something he did not do with me. I do want to be happy for them but it’s hard not to wonder what she has that I didn’t.
Our relationship had many flaws as they all do, I was just not willing to acknowledge them while we were together. I’m not going to list them because there are honestly too many but I recognize them now and know that I am better off without him. The way he stays with me is the way a first love lingers with anyone. My first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first experience with a guy, that’s not something I can easily let go of but I know there is someone out there who is better for me. Someone who will rub it in the world’s face how lucky he got with me and someone whose fire for me will never burn out. The thought of him will override the leftover memories of my ex and I will not need Will because I will have the world. I hope Ryan will find the same. That’s a day I’m excited for but, for now, I’m having fun being a college girl. And as for Will, he can love whoever he pleases. I'm sure there are many girls who will be infatuated with him as I once was and they can have him, but he will always be my first.
