Life has a funny way of making individuals realize how insignificant they truly are. There is such immensity to everything that it’s almost impossible to comprehend how anyone can ever truly feel like they will know where they are heading and why. This can be a debilitating situation. They have to find a way to lessen this sensation of becoming overwhelmed in some way or another. It’s why millions constantly search for answers about their purpose.
Oddly, I was brought onto this train of thought while quietly sitting in my college apartment early in the morning, realizing how much light exuded from the one window within my room. I never knew how much the light from outside could affect my demeanor and thoughts. Many months before I came to this, I had taped a large piece of cardboard onto the sides of the window. It was initially placed there to help mitigate the potential damage caused by Hurricane Irma, but it eventually became the tool for preventing light from coming inside. I was not about to let the morning sun interrupt my precious hours of sleep.
I kept this cardboard barrier up for several months, refusing to admit any sunlight into my bedroom. I was content with letting my room spoil in dimness while I slept the early hours of the morning away. It was not until I registered how unproductive this barrier had made me that I finally decided to tear it off the window borders. The initial effects were non-existent, probably because it was late at night and the only light that entered was the brightness emitted from a few lampposts in the area.
With nothing else left to do, I fell into the familiar textures of my bed and allowed sleep to take me. When morning came, sunlight was finally able to come into my space and awake me from slumber after months of obscurity. The room was awash with yellowish light, and I felt a strong impression left on me. My mind was agitated, but it was also, in some murky part of my cranium, relieved.
There came relief. Then, there came reflection. I began retracing my actions. Why did I cover up my window? To stop light coming into my room. The light made it harder for me to avoid starting the day. Why did I wait so long to remove that cover? I did not understand how it was affecting me until much later. I had convinced myself that I needed sleep more than I needed to engage with the world. What about the window and how it freely permitted sunlight made me want to hide it? Perhaps, the window reminded me of what lied outside, and the sunlight was the aggressor that would not let me ignore it.
The world was outside my room, and I tried to shun it. There was so much in the world that I could never fully know, and it was frightening to think about. I did not know what to do with it. The window allowed me to look outside, reminding me of how I could become lost in my search for purpose. I should have known, however, that becoming lost is an inescapable part of the world. I cannot know where I am supposed to be until I know I have become lost.
I still do not know where I am. I still do not know where I am going to be. I still do not understand how to be significant to the world. But that is okay. As long as I open myself to it, I can become a significant part of the world. How silly that I thought about all this because a piece of cardboard prevented sunlight from coming into my room. But I guess that is how life can be.
