In high school, I dated a boy for three years. He was my best friend and I thought he knew me better than anyone else. I loved him with my whole being. We barely spent any time apart, and when we did, my heart ached for him.
It was clingy and obsessive and phone calls screaming at each other till 3:00 am. It was panic attacks I would have when I was without him. It was an unhealthy kind of love and I hope to never have it again.
It was tear-your-hair-out kind of love. I used to think it was normal to say “I love you so much it hurts” but years later I realized that it was the complete opposite of normal to feel that way. It was passionate, but in a dangerous and foolish way.
It was young; it was reckless, toxic, immature, and quite frankly, it was stupid. It was scream at the top of your lungs, it was ugly, but in a beautiful kind of way. It was crying on your bathroom floor, it was kissing too hard, it was aggressive, it was hitting and screaming, it was the reason my first year of college was such a disaster. It was break up then make up and I hate you and then I love you all at the same time.
It took me many, many months to get over him, to get over the rollercoaster that was our relationship. But as soon as I did, I found who I was really supposed to be and it was so far from the person I was when I was with him.
One summer, after we broke up, when we were both home from college, we decided to meet up for brunch at a diner we always went to. As we started talking, I realized he didn’t know who I was anymore. He may still know what my favorite kind of pizza is, and he may still know how I like to cuddle when I’m watching a movie versus when I’m sleeping, and he’ll probably always know my favorite Ben and Jerry’s flavor of ice cream but he has no idea the person I’ve become since we’ve broken up.
And I realized I didn’t know who he was anymore; he was someone different. The conversation was awkward and we didn’t have a lot in common anymore; the brunch ended with an awkward hug and an “I’m glad you’re doing well.”
It has been a few years since our breakup and I have yet to fall in love again. Next time I fall in love I want it to be gentle, mature, and slow. I don’t want to feel like he knows me better than I know myself because I know myself better than anyone else ever can. I don’t want to ache when I’m not with him; I want to be confident and trust him and be able to have nights out with my girlfriends without missing him so much it makes me sick.
The love I had with my ex was a once in a lifetime kind of love, and honestly, I hope to never have it again.
