I have always been one to recognize that life isn't always fair. No, I will not get everything I ever wanted or be the best at everything. It's just a part of life. I can work hard, study hard, but that doesn't mean I will ace every test or always get that job promotion (wow, I promise I'm not normally this cynical).
These past two weeks of my life I have seen how unfair life is. On March 2, my stepfather, the man who raised me since I was 5, taught me how to play basketball, drive a car, and use a handsaw passed away and damnit that's not fair. He danced the night away with me at my father-daughter dance and took care of me when I was sick. This is not fair. He was supposed to help my father walk me down the aisle and teach my children all the things he taught me. But life isn't fair.
It's not so much a day by day emotional process, but rather hour by hour. Some moments I am fine just going through my normal routine, then a moment later I can remember a time we spent together. I remember the wonderful memories we have together and the not so wonderful, but I just wish this one time life was fair. That just this one time I was given the chance to get everything I wanted and that was to have him still be with us.
Now in my deepest moments of grief rather than allow myself be sucked in, I look for the positives in my life. Where life has been fair to me. I look at the strength of my mother and sister and know that all together we can survive this tragedy. I look at all the wonderful friends who have called me, texted me and just randomly checked in on me to make sure I was eating enough and think that with them by my side I can get through this. My best friend has a saying that I have come to make my motto: 10/90, life is 10 percent of what happens to you and 90 percent of how you choose to react to it.
Though my heart is broken and I am still living this tragedy hour by hour, I know that I have the greatest support system there is. I know that I will see him again and he will forever be in my heart. I have to live every day 10/90 and live every day in honor of him.
Te amo to my sweet papa!
