I appear to be a decidedly happy person almost all of the time, and for the most part I am. What I hadn't shared with others though is that, since the beginning of August until around October, I was going through a lot more than I anticipated would ever happen to me.

I like to be kind to everyone, purely for the reason being that making others happy genuinely makes me happy as well. But the issue with being kind all of the time is that it can lead you to overlook emotions pertaining to your perception of yourself or others' perception of you. Being kind is the best way to cover up any negative feelings you have inside because no one can physically see them. If you'd met me toward the beginning of October, you wouldn't have known that I'd been through a breakup, been told by a video instructor that a video I'd spent countless hours on was poorly edited, lost one of my classmates to suicide, heard news that my best friend went to the hospital for having a seizure and that I was working extremely hard to end relationships with people that were damaging to me. And you wouldn't know any of this solely because part of being kind is to not bombard others with all of your issues and drama. I thought putting myself ahead of other people was selfish.

The first step to getting myself back together was realizing that putting myself first did not mean that I wasn't selfless; it meant that I cared about myself and my mental health. In my short period of time in high school, I've learned that you need to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. If you judge yourself based off what others expect you to be, you will never be content with yourself.

Another large part of helping myself was learning to celebrate life after mourning death. I'd never attended a memorial service before this year. I also hadn't cried pools of tears until this year. Through all of the crying, sharing memories and remembering the beautiful impact a person has left on your life are the most important takeaways.

It's also vital to avoid running back to people who you know will hurt you, no matter how much doing so hurts you now. This is necessary to prevent future self-damage. My ninth grade English teacher once said to me, "Natasha, you're such a giver." She went on to explain that it was important to surround myself with people who were also givers, because I needed to be around people who shared the wealth of endearment with me equally. It was important to make sure I did not have someone taking from me as if to use me, and any form of a relationship requires commitment and prioritizing from both sides.

Lastly, you need to be with your friends, and by that I mean your real ones. For the longest time I was planning to do a huge party with around 60 people for my sweet 16, upon realizing that I didn't actually like a profusion of the people I was planning to invite. I spoke with one of my good friends about my dilemma and decided to host a smaller dinner party with just my best friends. It certainly was a wise choice. I was happy to be around people who loved and cared about me just as much as I loved and cared about them.

At this point in time, I'm a lot happier than I was a month ago. I'm grateful for the incredible friends I have around me, I'm taking care of myself and I'm proud of my self-growth and realization. I've realized, self-love is not selfish.

For more self-growth tips or just a smile, you can check out my YouTube channel here!