The whole globe has been in complete chaos because of coronavirus (COVID-19). Our daily lives and routines have been shifted, and most of the world is under strict orders to stay home for a long period time. This is definitely such a life-altering situation, something that I never would think to have encountered in my life.
The only significant time that came close to this during my lifetime was 9/11. I was in kindergarten and was rushed home with my mom, in tears. I don't remember much, but I do remember the fear.
This pandemic is something that I never thought I would experience, almost every day I wake up hoping that I'm waking up from a nightmare. I live in San Francisco, and we've been put at a "shelter in place" and a "stay at home" order. We're only allowed to go outside for essential needs such as groceries and exercise (continuing to stay six feet away from others). Many businesses are suffering, people are working from home, many have lost their jobs, children are out of school, the elderly are afraid to come out of their homes, and so many are wondering where to get their next meal because they have no income.
Life as we know it just stopped.
It feels like the pause button has been on, but it seems indefinite. I feel fortunate to be able to have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, my health, and my parents. These are things that I've appreciated more than ever, but it's hard to look at the bright side when there's so much negativity everywhere I turn.
Recently, my mental and emotional health has been at its downfall, and it's been hard for me to come out of it. I constantly think that what I'm feeling and dealing with isn't a lot compared to what others are suffering through. Looking at the news has become such an addiction for me. Sometimes I try to escape from social media by looking at other posts, but instead, everything is about the virus.
It's draining and depressing.
Of course, I want to be informed of the news, but recently, I couldn't even look at a post or article without feeling such a high level of anxiety. I started feeling hopeless. I even broke down today because everything seemed like too much. I became so consumed with the news and staying updated that all I saw were articles that my search engine saved "coronavirus updates" on my web search. Even simple things like sneezing or coughing, I started feeling even more paranoid.
It came to a point where I couldn't stop thinking about it. Nothing mattered but the news. Nothing mattered but the virus.
Ironically, I keep telling everyone that there has to be some light at the end of the tunnel, but being the person I am, I couldn't even tell myself that.
I wanted to give people hope because I couldn't even give it to myself. I kept telling myself that my feelings weren't valid because there were so many people in the world dealing with so much more. But today, I told myself I had every right to feel sad and anxious. Personally, I pictured 2020 as such a great year: my college graduation, Disneyland trips, my first teachers conference in SoCal, Japan with my dad, and so many memories that I was going to make with my family and friends. All of those things were stripped away. I'm angry and I'm sad and I HATE feeling like I lost control of my life.
I started having dreams about my teeth falling out. I looked up the meaning and it meant that it feels like I'm losing control of my life.
I know that these events won't be permanently gone, these places will still be there, those memories could still be made, and my loved ones are still here, but I still felt so fucking mad and disappointed. I felt like everything I looked forward to, everything that I worked my ass off for was gone with a snap of a finger.
Simple things like sitting in a restaurant and having dinner with friends or having tea and coffee at a cafe were taken away, too. Strolling at the outdoor malls and shopping with my parents and dog was gone. The nursing home my grandpa is in has closed to all visitors, and the elderly who live there probably started wondering why their family stopped visiting. I worry so much about my parents, even going out and taking a walk.
Throughout my life I've always had issues with severe anxiety, but right now it's to the point where everything — my brain, my heart — is going a thousand miles per hour. All the simple things I took for granted, I never knew how much I missed. I miss going to class, I miss my kids at work, I miss being able to come home from a long day to my parents, feeling exhausted but accomplished that I made it through the day. I grew up in the center of the city and always went to Fisherman's Wharf and Downtown because of my dad's business. It's such an eerie feeling seeing everything boarded up, deserted, like a ghost town. I miss my beautiful city. I miss everything.
What makes me more angry is everyone that isn't abiding to the rules set in place to flatten the curve.
I'm fucking angry that health care workers have to work overtime and put their own selves at risk because people think they're invincible and WON'T STAY HOME. These are the real heroes and they aren't able to see their own families because they're trying to save the lives of others.
Of course, no one wants to stay home for this significant amount of time but we have to.
We have to all try to band and work together with everyone, not just in our own state, or our own country, but the whole entire world. Everyone is suffering, but this too shall pass. I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but in the end, everything is going to be okay.
This is all temporary and we're going to have to go through some rough times to get to the other side. If you're not doing okay mentally or emotionally it's okay because everyone is going through it. It gives me some comfort knowing that I'm not alone when I'm in my room feeling depressed and overthinking because I know that everyone else in the world is too. We'll make it out of here, everyone just needs to hang tight, listen, wash your damn hands, and stay home as much as possible.
After this is all over, I know that all of us won't ever take a handshake or hug again for granted. Our society, as we know it, is going to change. It may never be the same again. This is giving us perspective, as painful as it is. Everyone is scared, and it's okay.
Your pain is valid, your fear is valid, your anger is valid, your trauma is valid. If it helps, look at some memes to help you get through it because that's exactly what I've been doing. Cry. Yell. Scream. Make a Tik Tok to your favorite song. Do what you need to do to get through this.
