Today I woke up happy as can be. My alarm went off and I woke up after the second buzzer. I was ready for my day, I couldn’t wait to pick out my outfit for class, and I was, for once, motivated to get out of bed. I even left fifteen minutes early for class so I could go get coffee. Today was a good day.
The day before this I didn’t wake up for class. I never heard my alarm. My friends got mad at me for missing class but, I know it’s only because they care. I know everyone cares about me. My parents, my sister, my friends, my boyfriend, I know they care but sometimes it doesn’t matter because I don’t know how to care about myself.
Depression and anxiety have been a large part of my life for about 2 years now. It causes problems for me every day. This all started in tenth grade when I was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor which was producing excess hormones that were reducing the high functionality of my exocrine system. The medicine I was put on caused nausea, dizziness, and fatigue. I was 15 living with a brain tumor, and even though it was cancerous it affected my life in a way I never asked for. I struggled with situational depression for about a year. I went into remission about a year later and I have been tumor-free since. I thought, or I hoped that the depression would subside. It did not. In the middle of my senior year of high school, I was put on anti-anxiety and depression medications.
The depression had worsened over time and I started becoming anxious too, and it got to a point where I needed to see my doctor. The worst part about depression and anxiety is how unpredictable they are. I could be having a great 2 weeks, where I’m completely motivated and have drive and excitement for things. Then I could have 2 months following this where I struggle to get out of bed every day. The second hardest part of these mental illnesses are the views of them from certain people. If you don’t struggle with depression or anxiety, please do not assume it is an easy thing to deal with. If you have a family member or friend dealing with mental illness and you feel strained because of it, just imagine how they feel.
I live with these mental illnesses every day. This does not make me less of a person. This does not make me less intelligent. Sometimes I’m lazy, but that does not define me. Sometimes I physically can’t get out of bed, but I still do. I push every day to be a functioning member of society and many people don’t see that. I do my best and despite everything I’m going through I push to be a better person every day. My mental illness does not define me. Everyone has their struggles, you don’t know what the person behind you in line at the grocery store might be going through. Be kind, be respectful and simply treat others the way you would like to be treated.
Mental illness is the disease you can’t see but this doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It's like a ghost and you can never tell when someone has a mental illness. I feel like mental illness is often not respected in a medical light. We can get doctors notes for being physically ill, but we can’t get a note from the doctor saying that a student was too anxious to go to class. That would be laughed at by a teacher.
Mental illness is something I wish I didn’t deal with, but I do. It makes me a stronger person and I am who I am because of it. If given the chance to get rid of this I would do it in a heartbeat, so would anyone dealing with an MI. We aren’t given that chose. We can only choose to take our meds and listen to the friends who get mad at us, and get out of bed for class no matter how anxious or sad we are feeling because. We can’t listen to what our mental illness is telling us to do no matter how strong the impulse may be. I am worth more than my depression. I am worth more than my anxiety. It does not define my character and I will never allow it to. I will fight my depression until it's gone, and I will stand as tall as I can while doing it.
