When I first ended things with my abusive ex, I felt strong and empowered. I felt like all of the control I lost in that relationship was mine again.

You see, the first couple moments after getting out you feel so free and at ease. Then suddenly reality sets in and you start to get worried; worried you made a mistake, worried about them, worried about your future, worried that they may do something to hurt you back.

Worried that they may do something to hurt themselves.

When we were together, my ex told me he would kill himself if I ever left. When he first said that, it kind of seemed like a romantic gesture. I thought he was trying to say something sweet, and he was trying to tell me how much I meant to him. As time passed, it became a threat. He could see how much hurt he was causing me, and how desperately I wanted to leave; but he also could see how big my heart was and how hurt I would be if he ended his life. I was worried he would kill himself, but he’s still alive.

After all the worries comes them blaming you for everything. At first he told me he would respect me and accept that I needed to end this to make myself happy. Then the tables turned, and he said I clearly didn’t love him if I couldn’t have stayed with him. Even to this day when I see quotes friends will repost that say, “If they love you they’ll stay even through the worst,” I feel guilty. I wonder if I should have stayed, would he have changed? The answer is no. He wouldn’t have changed, because he still hasn’t changed. Up until the last time I spoke with him, he still put me down and degraded me.

Then comes all of the begging. Begging for a second chance, begging to change, begging to do whatever you want. I could say, “I’m really craving chocolate” and he would say, “Let me come visit and I’ll bring you some chocolate.” Any chance he could get to come back into my life he would try. At first it was easy to accept those offers, because it felt like ‘finally,’ you know? Finally he was listening to me; finally he was interested in my well being and making me happy. So I gave into the begging, but soon enough things returned to how they were and I told him I had no intentions of continuing, I felt no spark anymore.

I couldn’t get past all the hurt, and while I have dated a couple guys since him, they were more distractions from how I was feeling. I was in denial that a relationship I was in for nearly two years ended, even though I was the one that left. I was in denial that he had started dating someone else. That made me extremely angry. How can he find happiness and I’m still hurt? “That’s not fair!” is all I could think.

There are two things that helped me move past this and come to peace with all of my confused feelings and thoughts. I realized, there were plenty of guys I had dated in the past that are in happy relationships, and I never once have thought “that’s not fair” about them. Granted, none of them were abusive relationships, but still I never thought much about them dating someone else. Accepting that my ex is going to move on with someone else was hard, but it helped. Maybe for her, he could change. Maybe he’ll get help during this relationship. Or maybe, he’ll be the same and one day she will see that. Their lives don’t involve me, and if they make each other happy for the time being, then so be it.

Lastly, what truly helped me get over this abusive relationship was a quote my mom sent me. It said, “Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.” It really stuck with me. I was clinging, and I was holding resentment and anger about this relationship inside of me. Holding all of those things in me made me mentally unhealthy and physically sick.

Finally, I felt free of it all. I felt like, I could go forever without ever talking to him again and that’s okay. I realized he wasn’t my “Prince Charming,” I knew that all along, I knew it so much I ended the relationship; but there’s a difference in knowing and accepting. And after almost eight months, I accepted it.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship and you’re scared to leave, you are capable of more than you think. It’s hard, it’s like an uphill climb, but that climb has an amazing view and you will have tons of people helping you along that climb the whole time. This has been one of the hardest times for me, and so many times I wanted to give up and go back because I thought that would be easier; but where I am now is so worth it. I know eight months sounds like a long time, but to get back to a normal feeling and a healthy mindset, it takes time.

I am so glad that I spent that time, and I’m so happy to be where I am today.

If you need help getting out of an abusive relationship you can contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline by looking at their website or calling 1-800-799-7233.